


endemic flowers bloom in the swamps

by jesuisdeux



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, But he will find his way, Child Loss, Coping, Death, Fire Nation (Avatar), Fire Nation Lore (Avatar), Fire Nation Politics (Avatar), Fire Nation Royal Family, Gen, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, Iroh (Avatar) loves Tea, Iroh Prequel, Iroh is sad, Lu Ten's death, Order of the White Lotus, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Ozai's A+ Parenting, POV Iroh (Avatar), Pre-Canon, Pre-War, Prequel, References to Depression, Secret Organizations, Self-Discovery, War, Zuko and Iroh parallels, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, redemption arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 26,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26405029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesuisdeux/pseuds/jesuisdeux
Summary: He sleeps, hoping he will see Lu Ten in his dream. Lu Ten doesn't come.~~And he knows what is off with this nation.He will not let any other children die.~~And somehow, a ragged chair in Earth Kingdom is better than a cold throne in the heart of Fire Nation. He will wait, until White Lotus accepts him. He should wait.or"Hello. General Iroh, here. But I guess you probably already know me, sort of." Iroh's journey to the light with parallels of Zuko's journey, I guess?
Relationships: Azula & Iroh (Avatar), Iroh & Jeong Jeong & Piandao (Avatar), Iroh & Jeong Jeong (Avatar), Iroh & Ozai (Avatar), Iroh & Pakku (Avatar), Iroh & Piandao (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Jeong Jeong & Pakku (Avatar), Order of the White Lotus & The Gaang (Avatar), Pakku & Piandao (Avatar)
Comments: 91
Kudos: 78





	1. the fire lord is dead, long live the fire lord

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a very dark fic but especially in the beginnig Iroh is struggling with the death of Lu Ten. He is not in a very bad condition but he still mourns. There are descriptions of war, dead, loneliness, self-blame, and death. Please be safe.

Lu Ten is dead. Lu Ten is dead and Iroh doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t understand how blind he was. He doesn’t understand how he let his son die, he doesn’t understand how he let so many children die. He doesn’t even know if he let them die or _killed_ them.

All he can do is to sit on the Pai Sho table, alone. Alone, from now on. Lingeringly.

He doesn’t know what to do but decides he clearly doesn’t want to stay in Ba Sing Se. Let alone the idea of conquering and killing many more, he can’t even stand to the view of ugly, crooked tent yard. He can’t stand the smell of mud. He will not clean his shoes one more time in the sill of his tent from dirt. Or blood. He will not wake up to the dribble of rainwater on his bed. If he could stop existing, it would be pretty cool. Because if he will not see his son, on a rainy night, asking him if he would like to play Pai Sho... Maybe this world is not that worth living.

He doesn’t open the letter immediately.

He knows what awaits him inside. Probably a letter from Azulon, stating sadness over the death of his grandson. But reading lines between, there would be a reasonable amount of disappointment.

He takes his paperknife and cuts the envelope. This isn’t the kind of letter he expects. However, there is no change in his interior world. He _doesn’t care_.

Ozai has never been a patient person. That was also the reason of why he always beats Ozai in Pai Sho. Lu Ten wasn’t patient too. But it didn’t mean he wasn’t flexible, nearly like an airbender, finding the cleverer and always fastest moves to win in a agile way, that is his son. That _was_ his son.

He doesn't care. Sure, his subordinates will care. He should say a few words, he knows, but he can't. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. He doesn't want to talk about how his father died, how his brother stole the throne while the look of _'My son just passed away and I am too weak to keep on'_ in his own eyes.

Luckily, Liutenant Qiang seems to understand. _No,_ Iroh corrects himself. _He pities._

Well, if pity works, he will not complain. Qiang nods and bows, just as if he took a command a few seconds ago. Divisions will learn the palace gossip with whispers in the ear, tonight.

Iroh goes to bed. He can't stop thinking how he will never ever feel again the simple pleasure of being woke up by his son.

He stretches his legs. He can't tell if it is treason or not, but he isn't much sad about the death of his father. Again, he can't tell if it is treason or not, but he isn't very happy about the new Firelord.

Yes, it is probably treason. But those aren't his most dangerous thoughts those days. Even before his brother sat in the throne rapaciously, he was looking at his own nation and understanding something was off.

_"Firelord is dead, long live the Firelord!"_ shouts reach to his ears. _The heaviness of the Ozai’s seal falls,_ thinks general. Finally, they understand who is in charge right now. Some doesn't like him, Iroh knows it. As well as some like and pity him, some hate him. Some likes Ozai. Some are angry with him, for being this fragile. In addition, of course, a few weeks later someone will throw himself at the feet of Ozai, telling everything happened that night. Ozai's coup was never simple. He has men everywhere, Iroh knows that too.

But those are not what Iroh thinks that night. But it is still rude, he thinks, considering how excited about life he was, before Lu Ten's death. He was stupid, yes. But a few weeks ago, those soldiers loved him. He thinks of lost sons and lost ideals.

He sleeps, hoping he will see Lu Ten in his dream. Lu Ten doesn't come.

And he knows what is off with this nation.

He will not let any other children die.

-

Sun went down and borned once again. Because despite Iroh's desire, Sun doesn't intent to stop. People keep living. With pains or failures, no one seems to understand the idea of pausing. They soldier on and this was a strange mentality for Iroh, past few weeks.

Divisions will lead to their home, probably days later, but Iroh already is packaging. He puts his clothings, a few tea pochettes and his writing set on his bag. He gives his armour and weapons to Qiang, he is sure he will transmit his stuff safe and sound. And if he doesn't, it is not important. His young and raw and stupid rage left him already, he has no intent to use them once more.

He writes to his brother: _I am an old man; I find the pleasure in very little details of life and the slices of routines. I will wander around for a while, my brother, looking for new recipes and new landscapes._

This is not something Ozai wouldn't like. It is a great way for Ozai to avoid Iroh for a while and a great way for Iroh to show his carelessness over things.

Also, this is not technically a lie, but his letters and acts mostly say that he doesn't have a destination.

Quite the reverse, he has a destination.

He heard the gossips. He knows, there is an institution above governments. He knows, there are ideas and ideals above benefits. He will found the endemic flower in this swamp.


	2. we know you, go away

Iroh finds himself in front of an old door in an Earth Kingdom village.

It is a prosaic building on a poor street; it is no place he expects to see. He doesn’t know what he expected to see too. Still, he sees the motifs of white lotus on little corners. He wonders if he could realize them a few years back. He knocks the door and immediately regrets it: he has no idea what should come out of his mouth next. _Hello. General Iroh, here. But I guess you probably already know me, sort of._

Iroh shakes his head to get rid of the ridiculousness of the idea.

The door opens.

And it frames the view of a very shocked man; open mouth, wide eyes, stuttering a few words. Iroh knows the meaning of his dark skin and blue eyes. Few weeks before he would be alarmed: _enemy_. Right now, he just wants to acceptance, maybe? Talk to them?

Soon another man pushes the tribesman away, looking at Iroh with his black eyes, maybe breaking him into pieces with only the same eyes.

"Go away. We know you. But you don't know us."

"But-" Iroh begins.

The door slams to his face and all the left hopes and dreams slips away from Iroh's hands. He slowly slides down from the wood door to his knees.

What is he doing here? Sitting on the cold paving stone, is he expecting some kind of forgiveness? But this is all he can do anymore, he has seen things no one should see and felt thing no one should feel. He can’t let other Lu Tens walk to their death. Can he? Can he forgive himself if he walks over and leads to the palace?

He will not go away.

At least, he can't now. He doesn't want to go back to palace. He can't even stand all the little social decorum rules right now, not while seeing the disgusting evil in everyone’s eyes. No, he will not. He can't easily travel the world too, unlike he wrote to Ozai. _Physically_ it is, it is easy, with shiny, heavy coins on his pocket and a guard he can easily find. But mentally he can't stand the look in people's eyes while wandering around as an enemy general. Not that authorities would be upset with his contribution on the economy...

He leans on the door. Not less comfortable than tents in the line of battle. He will not go away. He knows what he has done. He knows his mistakes. That's why he still works. _He will wait._

School girls and boys walk over, a woman drops her market bags and her vegetables goes everywhere. Iroh helps her tidy up, but his typical Fire Nation facial characteristics do not help him. Woman leaves him with fury. Porters who curved under heaviness pass by. A hawker sales toys made of earth.

Iroh thinks of the palace. He thinks how lucky Ozai is. Not because he is the Firelord. _Never_ because he is the Firelord.

Only because his children are alive. Just the idea of how his children are alive, and his is not, makes Iroh's bones ache with jealousy. Ozai has the privilege of hugging his children, laughing with them, still being able to observe them while they grow up. All while knowing they are safe and loved.

Nevertheless, Iroh was suspicous Ozai understood any of these meanings. But did he? Did he understand any of these meanings? Did he protect his child?

He shuts his eyes. Time for changing the flow of his thoughts.

So... He had a nephew and a niece. Just like this two children playing across the street. The boy was shy and timid, while the girl was walking with confident. But they still had a weird bond. _Weird bond here is a functional love_ , thinks Iroh.

Azula and Zuko was also on the palace right now, probably playing games with noble children or learning simple lessons. But not this happy or safe probably. He is thinking about the palace, a place that must have been safe, but he doesn’t feel like his nephew and niece are safe. They don't have a bond, unconditional love bond with their father. And according to letters, Ursa is unavailable, but Iroh doesn't even know what that means. Maybe his wife’s and Ursa’s destiny is the same: getting paler and skinnier on a deathbed day after day. Who knows what kind of an atmosphere pervades the palace right now?

He didn’t felt the same when his wife died. Not because he didn’t loved her, no, he loved her a lot. But when she died, he was happy that his lover wasn’t going to feel any pain anymore. Healers didn’t need to give her anymore painkillers. And his wife wouldn’t want him to collapse. She would want him to look after Lu Ten. He thought he was good at it. Now he sees he wasn’t. Even so, he didn’t feel like he killed her, unlike the guilt he felt after Lu Ten’s death.

Directions of his thoughts always gravitate towards the _same thing_. He doesn’t know if he will ever be freed of it. He doesn’t know if he deserves it.

There are more faces, indigent ones, on the street. More foots, in front of the other, more words, sometimes on a dialect Iroh can't understand, more humans. More laughs and more tears, more children and more elders, how many hours passed since he sat? He doesn't know but he says farewell to the Sun.

Iroh doesn't know if she will born once again tomorrow, nor if he wants her to.

He feels the fight between his eyelids and gravity.

The door opens again.


	3. align, the dragon of west

At first, he is fool enough to really expect to talk to someone, or maybe duel with someone. After all, he doesn’t know what to do for their acceptance.

After the door opened, same man, the tribesman, made him sat on a chair. "Wait here," he said and leaved the room. It could be called a waiting room, but it only has a wall carpet with a white lotus pattern and two chairs, so it is nothing like the magnificent waiting rooms he walked in before.

After two hours, Iroh is wise enough to say it is a _waiting_ room and he will not talk to anyone soon.

After four hours, he wants to ask something, despite there are no one present in the room. He just wants to shout at nonentity.

_Is this a test? Did I pass the first one? What am I supposed to do?_

But he doesn't. Something occludes his throat. And somehow, a ragged chair in Earth Kingdom is better than a cold throne in the heart of Fire Nation. He relaxes with the idea; he stretches himself quietly, yawning.

He is finally wise enough to sleep. No one is coming.

He sees Lu Ten in his dream. He is trapped on a Pai Sho table, it is an old memory, Lu Ten is clearly younger -and it is more painful- and they play Pai Sho and drink tea. Lu Ten makes a clever move and then stops.

Iroh has no control over his actions, he just watches his son raise his gaze to himself. And then he makes the same mistake, just like how he did years ago, he knows he will lose the game after two moves later.

"Thank you, father." Lu Ten says with a grateful face.

"Why are you thanking, my son?" asks Iroh, because he can't move or change his acts, because if he could, he would prefer embracing his son with a hug. But he sits there with the same old confused and proud expression. He knows he wanted to see him one more time, but getting stuck in a memory is the most painful thing he can imagine, especially when he feels this stupid and his son is this young.

"I don't know," says Lu Ten while shrugging, and answers Zuko's impatient calls, "I am coming Zuko, but when I catch you, you will not be laughing this much!"

Lu Ten bows before leaving his presence and Iroh just waves a goodbye to his son _-"Why not more?"_ he asks himself in remorse, _“You buried him and you just wave at him you idiot, old man.”_ he thinks with pain.

"Because you will be dying of laughter,” Lu Ten calls out. “My evil fingers are planning to tickle you until you puke of laughter!"

And he disappears from the door.

Iroh wakes up.

Maybe his son thanked him because he is sitting on a ragged chair in Earth Kingdom, not on a cold throne in the heart of Fire Nation.

He can feel the hot tears streaming down his cheeks.

-

He doesn’t dive into sleep once again that night. When early beams fills the room, he is still looking at his hands, eyes full of sorrow.

Tribesman bursts into the room and looks at him with an absolutely-not-friendly glare. He doesn’t have the same confused face anymore, Iroh is sure, in background they talked about him. What would they say about him?

_A cruel general. A killer. The Fire Nation prince._

_This is not the first time we take someone from the Fire Nation. His son is dead._

_So what? We all lost someone. He can’t just say he is good now just because he is mourning. He was the reason why he died in the first place. He is the reason why we all lost someone._

_I think he deserves a chance. Or, nevermind, not that he deserves a chance, but we need more people. He can be an agent. For us._

_He can also be an agent, for his own country! He can be a double agent!_

_Then we will not give him information. We need him. No one has seen the Avatar for a long long time. I am not saying they are a fairy tale, but... We can’t just sit and wait. Ozai is a threat for peace._

_And he is Ozai’s brother himself!_

_Ozai’s brother himself who waited on our door for eighteen hours. He cried last night, haven’t you heard him?_

Of course, Iroh didn’t know what the dialogues were like. He can only hope for someone to defend him.

Tribesman, Pakku, as Iroh will learn later, opens the curtains and commands Iroh to stand up. He leads him to another room. It has soft cushions and a Pai Sho table. It is not so hard to guess what the next _'test'_ is. The room receives more light than the other one and that makes it look more spacious. Iroh can’t help himself from not thinking how he reaches the inner rooms slowly, conquering it from inside. _Old habits._

“Sit. Don’t talk.” says Pakku and leaves the room, as he doesn’t want to be familiar with him. _Understandable._ Iroh sits as he told, wondering what are they doing. If they will make him wait once more... No, actually, he will do nothing. He just doesn’t want to stay alone with his thoughts anymore. He is angry with himself, not any other person.

So he thinks about the game. He can’t remember the last time he played it, besides the dream. But perhaps he last played it with his son, even when not counting the dream. Sleeping in the trenches was sometimes hard. Pai Sho came to their rescue at nights like that.

Where does the game come from? There was this old story... about... a king? He definitely remembers a king. The king loved the _art of war_. Iroh thinks if there is a way to war to be an art. It is mostly a game. An ugly game. A brutal game.

When the king loses his son, he swears not to crusade ever again. _It is a painfully familiar story_. After the king’s great sadness, everyone in the country is mobilized to cheer him up. And a savant found the great way: a little replica of a war, with all the strategy but no real loss: Pai Sho, in its primitive face.

King was content _-how can anyone be after the death of his son?-_ and decided to reward the savant. Savant wanted one wheat berry for the first square. And the double of it for the second. And the double of the second. It kept on, until King was out of his treasure. _This is a good story for understanding the geometric proportion,_ thinks Iroh bitterly _. Not child deaths_.

Eventually someone comes to the room. Iroh can swear he knows the man with his thin, long moustaches and sharp lineaments. But instead of talking, or asking _–“Were you a soldier before?”-_ he just stands up and bows as his opponent also does the same.

When they sit, he hands Iroh a fabric pouch, full of Pai Sho pieces.

“Align, _the Dragon of the West_.” says Jeong Jeong.

Iroh doesn’t understand if the emotion behind the last words are despise or respect, he only hears the coldness behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the story about the pai sho, is not canon of course, it is basically the legend of chess. But the idea of a mourning king seemed so similiar to Iroh, I couldn't stop myself.


	4. good game

He does as he told. Roses, chrysanthemums, white jades, jasmines, lilies, rhododendrons, rocks, wheels, knotweeds, white dragons and the white lotuses. He puts all of them to their places quickly.

But he doesn’t do it the traditional Fire Nation way, instead, he puts the tiles as how airbenders did once before. He will not play the game as the Dragon of the West. Dragons are known dead. Even though he knows they are not, a part of him, who claims to be the Dragon of West, is certainly dead.

So he will play as his son. A subtle mind with brisk fingers on Pai Sho table. Now all buried under the humid soil of Ba Sing Se... Everything he knows is dead by now, isn't it?

When he finishes aligning, “Ten harmonies,” says Jeong Jeong.

It will be a long game.

So they start playing. Thinking of conditions, it is not a fair game, they exulcerated Iroh for hours and he is not in his best days in the terms of mind state. But weirdly, he feels ecstatic than ever before. His heart beats with more life than not just the days after his son's death but also than his young rage days. He didn't feel like this when he was molesting cities. He is _alive_ in a very long time.

First, it is not that fast. Pai Sho is a game of stoicism. Beginning moves are important, there are the roots of the game, but there isn't much moves, after all. Strict but a loose game, there is no way to explain it without seeing it.

Iroh takes a defensive pose. Jeong Jeong plays like he isn't even a player, like he is just an onlooker. He makes his moves late, all of them are clever but he doesn't even looks like he examines the board.

In the beginnings, rattles of the tiles on the board are slow. Then they become more aggressive with each passing second, shadows in the room slips around. Sun slides down in the sky. Hours pass. There are still intermittent but intense sounds of tiles on the board.

Then Jeong Jeong's white lotus puts a stop to it all. Austere room is silent then. He is about to finish his last harmony.

And Iroh realizes. He realizes the beauty of the game, how delicately elaborated the board is, how Jeong Jeong distracted him and played a sharpwitted play on him. For a second he is about to put his astonishment into words. But as soon as he sees the little flicker of triumph on his opponent's eyes, he closes his mouth quickly. He was told not to speak.

His game isn't that eye sore too. He didn't lose much tiles. His moves are not much bad from this frozen moment of the board; at least he wouldn't feel ashamed by it. He once again wonders if he would make such a game a few years back. His moves would be barbarian and offhand as much as Ozai's probably, comparing with Jeong Jeong’s.

He knows he can't win, but it doesn't matter. It was a beautiful game and Iroh will end it that way. He puts his most valuable tile on the most dangerous square. He shows that he knows and sees all these possible moves. He will not win, as it is just a respectful greeting rather than a ambitous move for the win.

Jeong Jeong looks at his move and nods slowly.

"Good game," he says, not paying much attention. He leaves the room absent-mindedly.

Iroh is very content whit what he had done so far, he feels like he has a goal in his life once again. And by all means it is much deeper than imperialism. Of course, there isn't much thing lower than it, but... He feels he is doing something important while trying to join them.

He keeps sitting here, until Pakku comes back.

He makes a hand gesture and they move into another room. Inner circles are opening in front of Iroh. Unlike he didn't succeed at it once.

"You will sleep here." says Pakku while showing the simple room, his back turned to Iroh. A bed, a desk, a chair. His little travel bag awaits in the desk. They must have taken it from the door. Deserving a bed and a room is probably good for acceptance in secret organisations. He feels light-hearted even more.

However, "I don't like you." says waterbender easily.

"Jeong Jeong understands you, of course, you have a familiar background. Piandao can be harsher, still a fool. And Bumi is nuts. But," he turns ahead and his glare and his bettle brow meets Iroh's.

"try to do anything, play any trick, and you won't have to worry about your destiny anymore. Because I'll make sure your destiny ends... Right then and there. Permanently."

Pakku slams the door and Iroh's shoulders slump. _Understandable_. But still harsh. Of course, the Fire Nation may have wipe out the Air Nomads but they also _crushed_ the water tribes. They slaughtered them, used them as cheap labour, oppressed them on so many ways. Understandable is the only thought comes to his mind. Not that bad. He has a bed and they complimented his game. He is happy as a child.

He sits in his bed. It is not too big or too soft. Nearly a child bed, Iroh thinks, and this wouldn't be surprising, with too many little rooms this building probably was an orphanage once. There it is the opposite of _his_ position: d _eath parents._

Pacing around the room, he decides to settle his things, some paper, quill and inkwell, some tea go to the desk; a few clothes go to the under of the pillow. And he hangs the painting of Lu Ten on the wall.

He starts writing a letter to Ozai. Not that he knows if they will let him send letters or anything. He should keep him informed of what he is up to, if he doesn’t want any suspicion. He can write about the cuisine and tea types he found out. Or the fictional people he met. He is sure even if he can send them no one will read them. But he has to send something, maintaining a relationship with his brother, not too close, not too distanced. Not jealous but not approving. He doesn’t want to draw attention to himself, and if he needs to play the role of failing, old, pleasure-seeking general, he will.

He writes six letters at one sitting. He lights his candle and writes on the shivery light of it. They are all full of lies, but they are consistent and they will keep him safe for six weeks. He was never good at telling lies because he never leaned on them in his life, but he remembers writing stories and tales and even songs for his son when he was just a child. _He still is a child_ , Iroh thinks. _He will never grow up_.

At least in the end he is proud of his letters and he can sleep, this time with something to look upon. What will tomorrow bring?

What else will he do for martyr children?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sad fact: i learned, in pai sho you don't need to align any tiles, after i wrote this. so it is not really accurate. the harmony thing is true though.
> 
> i remembered the kingkiller chronicles while i wrote the "beautiful game" part. the game "tak"? yeah. i am still waiting for the third book...
> 
> and everyone can guess what is the song iroh wrote for lu ten. of course i didn't cry writing that.


	5. unexpected turns

He wakes up pretty early, as firebenders tend to. He wasn’t meditating for a long time, _or everything I did was meditating_ , he thinks. Waiting in corners silently, just thinking... Maybe he was meditating and they didn’t exulcerate Iroh at all.

He meditates and remembers the day he went to the temple. Azulon sent him to the hunt, because of course, he was his courageous son, first born, the heir, _everything_. And killing a dragon is a perfect way to show it all! He remembers how he was thinking what to do, for days. He couldn’t kill a dragon. Well, _physically_ , he could. But looking at their eyes and taking the life out of them was impossible for him.

And he did _one of the few good_ things in his life, and lied to everyone. They showed him the breath of fire. While he was there he also had a vision about Ba Sing Se. He was happy.

But the secret of bending or his future wasn’t the only thing he learned there. Maybe wasn't the most interesting at all.

Because after weeks later he still saw nightmares of what they had said to him: _You have a very twisted faith, Iroh, you will take different and unexpected turns._

But what did those mean? Was he going to betray his country? He couldn’t look at Azulon’s eyes anymore, was he a traitor? But he was his loyal son! How could he?

And years later he went to Ba Sing Se.

Iroh smiles at his young self’s doubts and pains. Now he is in such a different position.

Jeong Jeong enters the room. His face is doubtful but also has a shadow of ruth in it.

“So...” he sighs. “Our general left his army.”

Iroh looked at him unsure of what to say. Few weeks before, Jeong Jeong was a traitor and he was the Crown Prince and a general. Right now, he just wants to prove himself to him.

“This is not a test,” says Jeong Jeong while smiling. “I will take you to another one- but not right now.”

“I saw my foolishness.” answers Iroh shortly. His first words on a long time. His truly sincere words too, on a long, long time.

“Me too.” says Jeong Jeong. “Piandao too.”

Those words are good to hear after threats of Pakku.

“But I hope you are honest.” adds Pai Sho competitor with questioning.

Iroh just nods at this. He feels that he doesn’t need to answer, Jeong Jeong looks at Lu Ten’s hung picture, after all.

-

“What is the colour of the wall behind you?” is the first question.

They are sitting on a table, Piandao and Jeong Jeong is in front of him, and in his side, Bumi holds his wrist with two fingers. They want to be sure of his candour, it seems so. Pakku doesn’t seem to be around. Piandao is still looking at him like he is tearing his soul into pieces. Maybe he looks at everyone that way, Iroh is not sure.

The colour? Iroh’s gaze lingers around the library behind the Piandao and Jeong Jeong. It is full of records as well as books. White Lotus has a great archive and Iroh examines a little part of it right now.

He hesitates. What was the colour? Was it same with the other three, though he can’t see one of the walls because of the gigantic bookcase? Was it a wallpaper? Maybe with lotus patterns? He didn’t viewed the room enough when he entered. Should he turn his head and simply look at the wall? What is expected?

“I don’t remember.” he says slowly because there is no other way of answer. He doesn’t want to struggle over and sink as a result.

Piandao nods. Iroh doesn’t understand if it is scorn or understanding.

“I will ask you questions.” he says. “You will answer in one word. Nothing more. You have to be quick, you shouldn’t even stutter.”

One word answers are clever, it doesn’t give interrogee any chance to lie. There isn’t much room to falsify when giving a one word answers in seconds. The honesty of free association. And of course, Bumi holds his wrist. Iroh is sure he heard a fairy tale about earthbenders who can hear heart beats, maybe Bumi can do this too, maybe they are just intimidating Iroh.

Iroh nods quickly.

Piandao takes a deep breath and they start.

“Bending?”

Before even processing the meaning of the word Iroh finds himself saying “Dragons.”

His questioner gives him a doubtful look while lifting his eyebrows. It is known that they are the source of firebending and Iroh is a skilled firebender without doubt. But it is also a known fact that he killed the last one. Why would anyone want to start the test with reminding this old incident? _Maybe because it isn’t as is seen from distance,_ notes Piandao in his mind and asks the next question.

“Fight?”

“Fire.” says Iroh, hoping they will understand it means he is fighting _against_ Fire Nation, not _with_. If he didn't say fire, he would say guilt. In fact, he says it, in the next question.

“Martial?”

“Guilt.”

“Love?”

“Lu Ten.”

Jeong Jeong looks at him with something Iroh doesn’t quite recall. But he probably understands the feeling after _seeing how things you create and do casually_ hurts people, thinks Iroh. People you love.

Piandao keeps going.

“Life?”

“Death.”

“Flaw?”

“Pride.” Comes out of Iroh’s mouth and he is surprised. He shortly after remembers how proud he was just because simply being a child of Fire Nation. His answer to “flaw” is the _Fire Nation’s most distinct characteristic_.

“World?”

“Imbalance.” How bitter this word was! After all, whose grandfather’s and father’s fault was it?

Piandao pauses for a moment, looks like he is thinking. Or maybe he just wants to fluster Iroh.

“Fire Lord?” he asks in one breath.

“Sadness.” answers Iroh in a trice.

He is once again surprised by his answer. Why is he sad? Because of Fire Lord is Ozai? Yes, he knows he always was afraid of his brother’s passion. But it probably seems like he is simply sad over _not_ being the Fire Lord himself right now. He is messing up.

“Who?” adds Piandao.

“Zuko.” answers Iroh. _Now it is clear._

This time it is Piandao’s time to be baffled. He knows who he is in person, of course he knows, he taught the young prince how to use dual swords himself. No matter he never wanted but there was no way of refusing the letter that came from the palace.

Prince was ashamed of it and told him if he didn’t think he deserved to be a student he would leave him alone and tell his father the opposite. However, Piandao was suspicious of the boy's lying abilities, and he was going to change his mind in the end.

Ozai was disappointed about the prince’s lack of bending talent while Azulon was pretty unconcerned about the family. And that’s why Piandao was there: “In exchange of your old debts, teach the prince about swords and thus Ozai will stop grumbling.” Azulon’s bored but ordaining voice was still ringing in Piandao’s ears.

He couldn’t reject the Fire Lord’s plea-looking command. And of course his debts needed to be paid at some point. Leaving the military always had a price and he didn’t want to fight another military company that sent to his home. So he taught the prince, finally.

Zuko’s bashfulness was familiar to him. He knew the feeling of not being enough or always being one-step back of everyone. This exactly is why he learned swords. That is why the prince learns. Even though prince was rather fine with bending, whenever Piandao asked about it he slurred over it. Even so, at the end, he was skillful on his dual swords.

But him being the Fire Lord was a weird idea. When Iroh came to them, he dismissed him because wanting the throne for himself wasn’t something White Lotus would tolerate. And after Ozai’s little coup, expected thing was Iroh to be furious. Wanting his 13-year-old nephew on the throne is something else. _Something unexpected_.

“Unexpected, indeed,” murmurs Piandao. “Questions are over.” he says and Bumi lets Iroh’s wrist, he looked content with Iroh’s heartbeats during the query. “Now you can explain: why dragons?”

“They are the source of bending. And, I am a firebender,” says Iroh, knowing he states the obvious.

“But you caused their extinction?” scoffs the sword master bitterly.

“No,” corrects Iroh, “I lied to save them.”

Piandao looks both amazed and amused with the answer. “Then you did good,” he says.

Iroh’s worried face relaxes with the reaction.

“In my childhood there were dragons everywhere,” whines Bumi. But Jeong Jeong puts his finger on an interesting part. “So you have seen how they bended, right?” he asks.

Iroh smiles with the memory. “They showed me their secret.” he says contently. “It is something much different. Much different, thinking back about the military. It is not consuming but a quite creative way of bending, I must say.”

Jeong Jeong smiles sorrowly and Iroh suspects he doesn’t believe a non-harmful way of bending fire. He intends to change it soon. He can show him, because he knows; _hating who you are_ , is a painful way of existence. He experienced it just for a short period and doesn’t want anyone to feel that way anymore.

“And why Zuko?” asks Piandao and wakes him up from his thoughts.

“He is Ozai’s son,” Iroh tries to explain.

“I know who he is,” says Piandao. “I trained him.”

“Then you have seen his difference with his father.” answers Iroh and he adds, “He can make a good Fire Lord. I want to believe he doesn’t carry the blood of Sozin but carries the blood of Roku.”

“He is just a child,” Piandao muses.

“I am sure we are not throwing Ozai today,” points out Bumi smiling from ear to ear and he giggles.

Piandao and Iroh share a glare of _fair enough_ between each other.

But Pakku enters the room and interrupts their glare: the ambience, in the strictest sense of the word, _freezes_. It is impossible to understand if it is the physical change due to him being an waterbender or his despise makes it so cold.

“What are those?” he shouts as slams a thin roll of paper to the table. Iroh’s letters to Ozai now rests inside of their envelopes between them.

“Are you leaking information?” Pakku exclaims with anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pain fact: did you know piandao was born to a firebender family and they left him on the door steps of an orphanage when they realized he wasn't a bender? yeah.
> 
> piandao being zuko's firebending teacher is canon. but it isn't very fitting thinking about how piandao probably left the army by the time zuko started learning dual swords. but it is also canon piandao defeated a 100 person division himself when they came to his home! maybe they were like "okay okay, we will let you go but teach some sword to this guy?" i don't know i hope what i wrote ties it well.
> 
> i was thinking how piandao probably felt close to zuko. they both now being "a step back" (even when they are not).
> 
> thank you so much for reading btw! i forget saying that.


	6. our nation failed us

“What?” says Iroh. “No!”

“What are those, Iroh?” asks Piandao with an abrupt change in his voice.

“Letters. You can open it! I wrote them to Ozai but-”

Too late. Pakku is already tearing the papers apart in a hurry. He finally opens a letter and reads it loudly while others also take papers from it.

“Dear brother,

As you always are, you were right. You kept telling me to have a vacation and I didn’t listen to you. But I already feel myself much better. Earth Kingdom has a unique cuisine, and I just can’t get enough of it! Every day I try another recipe and every day I visit another place. The views are just perfect; I am almost depressed that I couldn’t conquer it! I would really like my nephews and brother to see these beauties. What about coming here? Lady Ursa sure would like it. Speaking of her, how is she? She was writing letters to battlefield but she stopped-” Pakku raises his head. “Oh,”

“These are full of lies?” asks Jeong Jeong raising his head from a letter narrating people Iroh haven’t even seen and food Iroh haven’t even tasted.

“Quite true!” Iroh nods. “I need to maintain a relationship with him or he will doubt my loyalty. I think I can play the role of wanderer for a while.”

And he adds after thinking a bit. “I invited them but don’t worry; I know Ozai would never let them.”

Pakku steps back and folds his arms while thoughtfully examining the paper sheet. "I apologize." he says, with gritted teeth.

"I would have been more distrustful." mutters Iroh under his breath insightfully.

Piandao looks at him on the tenters. "Don't you know what happened to Lady Ursa?"

"I am afraid, not," says Iroh while swallowing.

Sword master sighs while his gaze lingers around to weigh his words.

"She probably passed away." he finally says.

Iroh pauses.

"Was she ill?" he asks, feeling the familiar sadness once again. He wasn't expecting to being washed over with the same feelings once again in his life, he thought healing techniques were better these days... His wife's time was far worse, thinking of medicine.

He stupidly worried about Ozai for a second, and then realized his mistake. Ozai was never a good husband. He was good at it as much as he was good at parenting. _Did he really care?_ This meant his nephew and niece was suffering the loss of their mother right now, probably with the imagery of a much wiped out mother at her last days and an unsympathetic father. And of course the routine of the palace and Ozai's new occupation-

"Iroh?" asks Piandao. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, yes, I am sorry- What were you saying?"

"I was saying, well, she wasn't ill. She just disappeared that night, as suspicious as the death of Azulon. At least, that's what Hisoka said."

"Who is Hisoka?"

"He is our inside man." says Piandao and adds when he sees the change at Iroh's face. "What is that? Are you surprised we have men on the palace?"

Iroh smiles for a second with the tease. But no, distracted, he is getting distracted. Ozai- Ursa? The Palace? "Yes, actually, it surprised me.” he rushes. “But- _not ill_? What happened then?"

"Hisoka said he hadn't seen Ozai that frantic and rageful before. And the princess wasn't seen after that night. So-"

What?

How?

No.

Ozai- can he do that? Would he? It is not the same as going to battles or yelling to his children. Would he-

"Ozai killed her?" completes Iroh. He knew his brother was so many things, yes, he would get angry over anything and he wasn't a exceptionally _lovely_ person, but could he? Could he take the cold knife to his hands? How much cold his blood would be, more than the knife's metal? All Iroh heard about the night was the letter from Ozai. And he didn’t even cared about it.

That is the moment he realizes how he knows nothing.

Everything he knew about _a double homicide and a coup_ was the killer's letter itself.

"Probably. She may have seen the _incident_." answers Piandao, seeing how Iroh disassociates. "I am sorry."

Iroh shakes his head slowly.

The stupid letter.

_Our father has died in his sleep, due to age, my brother. Therefore I have taken the throne, your physical absence was a dagger into this country's heart, I apologize. Don't worry about anything, after your son's death I am sure you will need to take a break of this burdens, so I am helping you, in a way. Do whatever you want, and feel the freedom of not lifting the load of a Nation._

The stupid letter with a big, stupid stamp.

"All I knew was that Azulon died on his sleep." Iroh says while understanding the lie. "And she was unavailable for a reason. I thought-" He buries his face on his hands. "I don't know what I thought."

Silence falls to the room like the body of a young Earth Kingdom soldier.

Pakku looks a little ashamed, and other White Lotus members aren’t sure what to say. What can you say to a _now crying_ ex-enemy-general who lost three people from his family in the same week? What can you say if their brother is a killer? A dictator?

What can you say if they are all alone and their family is horrible?

"If it will make you feel better," says Piandao, "We didn't failed our nation- it failed us."

His voice is sharp but there is a hint of something Iroh doesn’t understand. Maybe he is trying to convince himself too.

"Your brother isn't your fault," adds Jeong Jeong. His students like Zhao also wasn't his fault, little did Jeong Jeong knew or accepted this fact. Just like how Piandao didn't wanted to be a killer for them, Jeong Jeong hated the way his fingers could easily create hate and destruction. In the same vein, Iroh didn't wanted to be the tool of death.

But they did _things_.

They became _things_.

And one way or another they realized it: Their nation _indeed_ failed them.

Iroh asks "How do I cope?" with a little voice and no one is sure of what he refers to. "How do I overcome?"

_The death of his son? His brother? The monstrousness of their people?_ Doesn't matter: no one can unriddle any of it soon.

Iroh thought he was getting better- at- at _everything_? He thought he could start function again. He thought he healed and learned his lesson. But Ozai's actions hit him like a ton of bricks. Maybe he didn't even realized what happened in the past weeks. Maybe he didn't proggressed anything since his precious Aiko's death. Stupid Iroh. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

"You won't," answers Bumi.

"At least not alone." says Piandao and places his hand on the general's shoulder awkwardly.

"And it won't be a short path." states Pakku.

However, they will walk it no matter what. And it's good to know they won't be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hisoka means reserved, secret or secretive so it is the most cliché name for an inside man.
> 
> here is the little back story of iroh's wife, chapter by chapter, developed without my will haha
> 
> at first i thought aiko meant loved one, so i thought it was good enough because idk iroh loved her. then i learned it meant loved child, but i was like "that's okay it doesn't change much still a female name." then i learned it also meant "beloved son" in chinese an i was like "ONLY BELOVED SON İS LU TEN??" so it is weird for her to have a name like that. but at the same it is still a female name.
> 
> they think ozai probably killed ursa and azulon, because think, from distance, it probably looked like this and this is worse, everyone knew how cruel (and literally lawless) ozai was and they remained completely silent.


	7. why we trusted you

They are far from the town. It is a beautiful tableland and Iroh is sure locals make lots of carnivals and activities here.

They will duel here, because when a war is going on and when you are planning to overthrow a government what would you do?

Iroh asked them if he and Piandao were going to spar, but they stated he was going to spar with Pakku.

"A firebender and a sword master means quantifying the tactics, as you now," said Piandao, and Iroh saw how Jeong Jeong flinched at the word _firebender_. "And we already know you are an excellent strategist."

He knew that and nodded with an internal shame, because he forgot the fact that Piandao isn't a bender.

_Excellent strategist: To be flattered or to feel guilty, that is the question._

"Pakku and your spar would reveal more."

Iroh nodded at that too, opposite elements are always interesting to debate. He feels like they accepted him but they would still like to observe his techniques. He doesn’t see harm at that, he is not the same Iroh anymore. He has changed, even more then the time dragons showed him their secret.

And, of course, he has a feeling Pakku is very happy to have a chance to beat him up.

"Besides, I would enjoy a good reencounter." Piandao had said to Iroh with pleasure and smiled to him, before leaving the building.

Iroh and Pakku take their position on an unnatural looking stage. Iroh guesses Bumi created the stage with bending, before. He went to Omashu a few days back, they were careful with drawing attention on themselves.

Jeong Jeong and Piandao are sitting under a giant plane tree yellow and leaves are overlapping everything. While they are pouring teas to their cups, they look like familiar elder villagers than ever before. No one can say they are military runaways or coup plotters who can tear you into pieces.

Pakku lifts his hands as Iroh and he start drawing circles around each other. Iroh once again feels alive, remembering his little plays with his friends when he was a child. Bending was a good time to spend time back then, the palace was so boring.

Some of his friends were prodigies and some of his friends were terrible. But it was fun. Sometimes he would play with Ozai too. No doubt, he and Ozai would play more injurious than any child should have, but it was still fun. The plays with him mostly meant Ozai’s rageful and coarse struggles around him, and he would easily repulse them with languor.

Rarely, Iroh would find himself sitting in the infirmary. He wasn’t really angry with his brother but even when playing Pai Sho, they were ending up violent. His brother was always finding ways to carrying it to physical, even in Pai Sho!

And these days, Ozai is up to much more than pushing his brother. Iroh wonders _what is his brother thinking viciously, right now?_

When Pakku makes his move Iroh’s mind is too busy with Ozai, but he wriggles of it by narrow squeak. Nearly like an airbender. Without losing his root. Then he attacks as an earthbender, but it just brings some ice arrows to him. His fire melts the ices in seconds, but he doesn’t save himself from another attack of water whips. He stumbles a little bit but keeps going. At some point he avoids the dangerous water with a Dancing Dragon move.

He falls down a few times as well as Pakku.

They run, they attack, they defend, and it keeps going that way, until Pakku’s water drains away.

With Iroh’s latest defence move the water pours out to the ground and the earth absorbs it kindly. Iroh is about to come forward with a dapper motion but Pakku does something interesting.

Before Iroh can yield him, he raises his hands with difficulty and he literally takes the water out of air, wrings it out of grass and soil. Little droplets fly around them for a while, before turning their sharp edges to directly Iroh.

Within an inch of tearing Iroh’s skin apart, ice pieces becomes droplets again and Iroh is on the ground, soaking wet from top to his toe.

Pakku smiles wildly.

Iroh feels the thunder roaring in his chest.

He finally laughs. He doesn’t remember the last time he laughed like this. He laughs so much that he can’t even breath anymore, he lays down and keeps chuckling.

Others slowly join him too.

He dries himself with bending and they join Piandao and Jeong Jeong.

“I like your style.” Jeong Jeong says while they drink their tea under the tree. It is _more than flattering_. Not because who says that is a great master of bending but who says that _hates bending_. This is good news for Iroh.

“Thank you,” he says. They talk about the tea, but Iroh is a very good tea maker, so there isn’t much to say. Pakku just says he didn’t tried pu’er tea before, but he likes it. They really act like elders who spend their days drinking tea and doing gardening or playing Pai Sho.

Iroh wants to be exactly how they look like, when the war is over. He wants to drink tea and play Pai Sho every day. Even though he can’t do it any of it with his son, he is tired of war.

Iroh decides to talking about how his bending improved after meeting the dragons and carefully examines Jeong Jeong's face while doing so.

-

While they are turning back to their little fusty quarter, “You actually didn’t _pass_ any test, you know?” asks Piandao.

Iroh’s face falls for a second.

“I mean, at least not the traditional way.” adds Piandao. This is why we trusted you.”

“Oh,” picks up Iroh. “I didn’t win the Pai Sho,” he says while looking at Jeong Jeong. “Or the questionary.”

No one was meant to win anything.

“But you didn’t compelled. Which was important.” Piandao says.

Iroh wears a face of understanding and thought. He didn’t compelled but he was patient enough to wait. It is _balanced_.

They keep walking slowly, leaves crackle beneath their feet.

“I am sure you see that White Lotus isn’t in its best form.” says Piandao doubtfully. “We need to train the Avatar but- the Avatar _is nowhere to be seen._ We need to keep the balance but- the world is out of joint.”

“We don’t have much useful members around the world.” adds Pakku.

“I can be useful in palace,” says Iroh slowly. His face has the shadow of an emotion; he nearly looks disappointed and the others suspect he doesn’t want to go back. “One way or another I will return to there.”

They nod.

“Everyone sees me as an old boring man; I don’t think they would suspect me. Of course I am up to any duty around the world but-”

“You are the only one who can go to palace freely.” completes Jeong Jeong.

“We will need to keep a low profile and wait. But knowing Ozai’s actions can help the world so much.” Piandao agrees while taking a stone from the ground.

“I will go back to my hometown.” says Pakku.

“I will look for deserters.” says Jeong Jeong.

Piandao plays with the stone in his hand and nods slowly. Iroh wonders if he examines the stone for a sword. He wants to ask something but thinks better of it.

“We will look for the Avatar.” the swordsman says. “And we will be a part of the letter net. I am going back to my mansion. I heard questions from there, about my whereabouts. I can be a good step of letters, it would look better for Iroh to write me instead of other nations. I can convey them.”

They walk while collectively agreeing their ideas, even though Iroh opens his mouth to protest, he closes it quickly once again.

When they are back, he asks them. He has to ask them. He has to try. He should postpone his return.

“I know, I really am pushing my limits,” he says. “But- I need to search for something.”

Three members look at him curiously. But Iroh faces Pakku.

“I know north pole is _accoutred,_ ” he continues, with the weird word choice. “when it comes to spiritual veins.”

Pakku lifts his eyebrow.

“I know- you have a spirit oasis.”

The waterbender furrows his brows this time, wondering the plea. Yes, they have an oasis. Tui and La is there. What is wanted from him? To bring him one of the ocean spirits as a gift? What kind of an impertinent desire is coming?

“I need to look for my son.” Iroh’s desperate voice echoes in their little quarter.

Pakku’s face relaxes with the last word.

Iroh has to. He needs to look around. He doesn’t know what he will do if he finds him. Perhaps he deep down doesn’t believe he is going to find him. But he knows he has to look. He is so desperate to try it. He needs to make his attempt.

“I don’t see any problems.” Pakku says and Iroh takes a breath of relief. “Bringing the Dragon of West to home?” he asks with a smirk. “It is going to be interesting.”

“Thank you so much,” Iroh says and bows respectfully, Pakku -with a little surprise- returns the greet. He doesn’t look friendly but his hatred doesn’t seem to be there anymore.

After the dramatic question, they tell Iroh about more members and the dynamic of the order. Many maps, a few records from early generations, so many old letters lay in tables, they talk Roku and Kiyoshi’s traits, every little piece of information, gossips about the people claim to be the Avatar. They schedule so many things, at the end environ is full of blueprints, drafts, and addresses.

The world changes in their fingertips but none of them seems to realize it at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon doesn't say much about the timeline but i think it is the best time for iroh to search for his son in the spirit world.


	8. neither dragon nor phoenix

North Pole is cold. It is so _cold_. Iroh is definitely homesick about the temperature. He misses the feeling sun created on his back when walking and he is tired of the cold hurting his old bones. Pakku seems unaffected but Iroh mostly _shudders_. He knows if he had no bending his fingers would freeze and they would shatter into pieces.

And when he thought he was getting used to it, _winter came_. Iroh remembers asking _“That was summer?”_ to Pakku with a terror in his voice. He seemed amused with Iroh’s terror. And in a few days, Sun wasn’t stopping by them anymore. She wasn’t visiting them and Iroh was thinking of the days he wished Sun to not to be born at all.

He also casually makes mistakes about living in the North Pole.

Even back in the ship, he was nearly touching to the metal of the ship without his gloves and it only earned angry glares from Pakku. He knew his hands would stick to it and it would hurt to trying to separate it. Pakku just snarled about his recklessness.

When they arrived to the North Pole, Iroh felt worse than he expected.

He was a foreigner, outsider, after all. Pakku was the only one he talked to, they of course didn’t say who he was to the people. He was just a poor Fire Nation colonies fellow to the others. And even if he was allowed to talk to them, he would hate it. All the faces said “You hurt us.” to him. All the faces carried his own guilt in it. Every little curl and emotion in those faces meant very clear things to Iroh.

_I lost a mother. You crushed our sister tribe. I lost my child. I lost my aunt! I have one less student than the last year. See that boy right there? He is suffering because of you._

_Where were you last year, General Iroh?_

At least, Pakku was better. He was cold, for sure, just like his homeland. But sometimes Iroh was catching an understanding expression in his face.

-

He closes his eyes while lying outside, under the sun. Tomorrow they were going to meet the chief. But Iroh still feels weird, even insolent about staying there. Isn’t it shameful to eat with them, sleep with them? And ribaldly wanting the oasis from them? After all he had done?

He shouldn’t think about it. He is already here, and he knows there is no option as not looking for his son for him. He doesn’t want to go back to palace too.

He wouldn’t forgive himself if he hadn’t try.

His thoughts slowly lose their meanings and alignment. He dives into an unrestful sleep.

“What were you thinking?” a voice screams to his face and Iroh opens his eyes. Pakku is shaking him from his shoulders with anger.

“You cannot just sleep outside! You sleep and you _die!_ What were you thinking?”

“I- I don’t know,” Iroh says and Pakku steps back, actually a bit relieved for seeing him alive. “I just wanted to sleep under the sun.”

Master waterbender mutters something about North Pole not being his garden in the home and slaps his forehead. When they realize Iroh can’t move his fingers, Pakku immediately takes him to Yugoda.

“I couldn’t imagine treating the Dragon of the West,” says the woman, “let alone any fire nation soldier.”

“Destiny is a funny thing.” says Iroh while smiling shyly.

They stick his fingers and -and later toes- to a large bowl and the water softly glows with the talent of the healer.

Water glows, his blood once again starts to circuit in his veins and Iroh knows better than not to sleep outside again. And generally speaking, after that moment, he is even more content he is a firebender and especially, knows the breath of fire.

Whenever he uses his technique Pakku looks at him in astonishment. But short after he tells him not to show off with the trick. They both laugh.

-

“I do trust you Pakku, but I don’t understand why _General Iroh_ of all people is so curious about our oasis.”

Iroh was told to wait and so he does, he is waiting in front of a door but he can hear what they are saying on and off.

This building wasn’t a quite palace but yet the architecture was breathtaking. Iroh would want to see these places and cultures through his remaining life time; he would like to show his own life style to them too. He wouldn’t want to visit all these beautiful places with military ships anymore.

Conquering the pole would be considered as a beautiful serve to country, right? But Iroh finds himself asking the most important question, for the first time. _Then what?_

What would they do then?

Were they going to melt this place down to water? Were they going to build Fire Nation style architecture here? But why? What would be their benefit?

What kind of a greed was that?

“White Lotus?” the voice asks this time, as Iroh is going to learn belongs to Chief Arnook. “I thought it was a dead organisation.”

“It is not,” answers Pakku. “And he is a member.”

Iroh wasn’t sure what he was until this point.

_But they trust him._

They consider him as a member and Pakku is bargaining about his trustworthiness right now, behind the door.

Iroh is sure he is on the right path.

-

Spirit world is easier to reach at there, much easier than his own country. But still, it needs an incredible amount of willpower. Pakku venerates his ability. Iroh doesn’t brood about it a second time though, he just thinks, _he didn’t lost a child._ It is a different mindset.

“I hope you will never need to understand me, my friend.” he only says. Pakku only nods with sorrow.

At first, spirit world is scary. It can be called a forest. Or a swamp. Or a meadow. But it is none of them.

There is no sun. It always looks like night. Also day. But it always feels like dawn.

He keeps wandering around. It is infinitive and getting lost is a simple matter. He can walk for years and find himself with dementia, asking for his name around. He knows there are creatures walking behind his back; sometimes he catches things with the corners of his eyes. Are they spirits? Are they animals? Are there both at the same time?

Iroh doesn’t know. Only sure thing is, none of them is his son.

He climbs thorough little paths on mountain feet and slogs through swamps.

Finally, after passing by a forest, he sees a fox. The fox has a book in his mouth, but when he notices Iroh he puts it to the grass.

"Look look," he says, "Our dragon is here. Is it your spirit what I am seeing, have you fallen to the ground on the war?”

Fox circles around Iroh. “No, I suppose not.” He answers his own question behind Iroh’s back. “You are still healthy."

Iroh lowers his head. He didn't expect disappointment from a fox, _for being alive_. But perhaps this is the act he deserves?

"I suppose you are looking for something." fox whisks his rubious tail. Iroh doesn’t find the power of answering in himself.

"Someone else... Another one fallen to the ground on the war?"

Iroh nods respectfully and his lips slowly curl to two words: _my son_.

"You are looking for the Phoenix, then!" says fox as he turns his back to Iroh. He heads to the Wa Shin Tong's library once again as he takes the book.

"He knows even more things than Wa Shin Tong! He can help you."

_Phoenix?_ _The Phoenix a hundred bird paid homage to?_ Iroh is clever enough to not protest or to say, “It is just a child tale!”

If Phoenix can help, he will look for him too. He keeps wandering and searches for the Phoenix.

He passes by beautiful and horrible valleys at the same time. Maybe every flowers, trees, mountains, and lawns beauty comes from their horrid. He looks everywhere, searches for every territory, looks under every rock. He walks every inch of every ethereal realm. Lu Ten isn’t around and phoenix simply doesn’t exist. His feet start aching. He walks. He feels the heaviness of sleep on his shoulders.

But the leader of the birds doesn’t want to see him and his son is better at hiding than his four year old state.

He walks. He yawns. He sometimes sits and listens. _Nearly no sound._ Sometimes he feels like he is too close to lose his mind. He starts singing and sometimes counting when walking.

_Oh, first he ate the fruit, then he ate the leaves. Hungry little lemur, ate up all my trees._

He starts repeating poems he learnt when he was a child.

_Winter, spring, summer and fall. Winter, spring, summer and fall. Four seasons, four loves. Four seasons, for love._

He wants to hear something else aside from his own heartbeats or breathing.

_Four hundred seventy six, four hundred seventy seven, four hundred seventy eight, four hundred seventy nine-_

A bird calls out Iroh when he is walking. Iroh stops counting, raises his head, and sees a nightingale leaning on him from a tree branch.

"You cannot find phoenix." she says. "He is the symbol of prosperity and fortune. Do you see any of it around you? Phoenix only manifests himself in peace."

Iroh looks around: spirit world is like a bad dream one sees right before the dawn. It is bleak and depressive. But thinking about the physical world, is there any difference? The war, pain, unreturning sons, and famine. Let alone spirit world, is it a good time outside? Not at all.

Phoenix will not come, Iroh accepts it. He indeed shows himself when there is no threat to the peace according to legends. Besides, Iroh isn't sure what would happen if he came. Would he show him his son? Would he tell him about his whereabouts? Would he tell him to stop searching?

He respectfully greets the bird and attempts to walk away. “He is fighting with Bifang,” says the bird. “Just like you with your brother, dragon.”

Iroh stops. He doesn’t like the wording. He is not a dragon anymore. And he doesn’t fight his brother himself. When it said that way, it looks like just another vicious battle for power.

“I am neither a dragon,” he says, “nor am I the Phoenix.” He is not similar to phoenix, because he did not start at the right side of the war, and neither is he going to end it by fighting his brother.

Nightingale looks at him in the eye. “Then you have no place at the spirit world.” she says and flies.

Iroh still keeps looking around. He knows he can’t give his life to searching but he can't just leave his only chance.

Spirit world feels like a dream, or to be honest, mostly a nightmare. And Iroh can swear he has walked over nightmares equivalent of a thousand lifetimes. He had so many visions.

But Lu Ten was nowhere to be seen.

He wasn’t there.

Nightingale was right.

Perhaps his son didn’t want his father on desperate searches. Perhaps he wanted his father to keep going. Perhaps he wanted his father to help livings instead of going for futile seekings.

Iroh stops searching with the persistence of Pakku and other masters. By the time he stopped searching for his son, Pakku and even the chief looks like they are trusting Iroh much more. Maybe it is pity. Maybe it is mercy. But they somehow learned to love the _once_ Dragon of the West.

-

Instead of wandering in vain dreams, Iroh starts working on his bending. He learns a lot from Pakku. He is annoying sometimes, especially when it comes to women, but he is a good master.

They mix up the mentalities of two elements and find very interesting techniques. Just like how they worked on it back in the White Lotus quarter. Meet of the dialectic movement of water and the comprehensiveness of fire created _wonders_.

Iroh used one of them proudly at the turning back. When his little ship was teetering in the angry waves like a walnut shell, he used it. Through lightings striking them, he walked to the foreship and _redirected_ one of them. He felt the power in his veins for a moment, bristling him up, then he blinked and...

It was over.

He returned to his homeland with two burned fingertips but a fully alive ship crew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I think this is the best chapter so far. Here is the stupid symbolism I wracked my head over (it is only stupid because I am stupid, not the culture):
> 
> The last number Iroh says before being interrupted is 479.
> 
> 4 is an unlucky number because sounds similar to death in Chinese. This is the death of Lu Ten.
> 
> 7 is considered as both lucky and unlucky, and has various meanings like holiness, mystery, spiritual things, (though sometimes means rise and sometimes means cheat). It is the spirit world.
> 
> 9 is a lucky number and means eternity and longevity. It is hopefully represents Iroh’s mindset from now on, his inner peace and even his turning back to the spirit world after death.
> 
> The myth of the phoenix is called “All birds paying homage to the phoenix” and phoenix is really different from western phoenix myth and its name is Fenghuang.
> 
> The story starts with Yellow Emperor, who wants to see the phoenix because he has seen every other bird and tamed them. So he goes to Tienlao and ask him how to find the Phoenix. This bird literally knows everything and can travel to the end of the world, so he is the king of the birds. He only shows himself when there is peace. It confuses Yellow Emperor because his country lives in prosperity and peace, right?
> 
> Tianlao suggests to tell the story of how Phoenix became the king, to clear things up. Fenghuang and Bifang were somehow similar but different birds. Bifang was cruel, whereas our Phoenix was clever, kind and beautiful. Phoenix knew how a disaster was on its way, so he prepared for it. When Bifang dismissed the rain clouds to create a famine, Phoenix was ready and when he shared the food he hide all birds paid homage to him. He was the king now. It made Bifang only angrier. This time he created a blizzard. Phoenix gave his own feathers to birds and sacrificed himself when other birds run away. But it didn’t make Bifang better in anyone’s eyes, obviously. They were still loyal to Phoenix even when he was dead. And Bifang leaved with desperation. Others reminded the legacy of Phoenix every 15th day of 8th month of moon calendar. This is the tale Tianlao tells.
> 
> Yellow Emperor understands something is wrong, his country is in danger. (Tianlao roasts him with the story actually.) Chiyaou, Shaohao and Zhuanxu were plotting against him and a war is coming. So the emperor decides to stop searching for phoenix but to rule his country and end the wars. (Wise chioce) When Yellow Emperor finally defeats them, Phoenix shows himself at the celebration.
> 
> So this is basically Iroh learning that his son won’t show up if there is a war going on Iroh somehow goes on unfortunately useless searches. He is not the phoenix but more likely Yellow Emperor. It also demonstrates at the first chapters, Lu Ten only comes to his dreams when he decides to do something, as going to the White Lotus quarter.
> 
> It is not even very necessary and yeah I hope it is not annoying (especially considering this is a fanfic for a kids show.)
> 
> and most the important part: i am not professional on the culture so if you think there is a mistake or a mispresentation please let me now!


	9. tea?

He wasn't welcome in the palace. Everyone kept saying _he was welcome_ but they constantly implied the otherwise with their actions. Iroh wasn't wanted there, he was the killjoy. He was the boring old man everyone saw as an obstacle underfoot.

Ozai always had a weird smile in his lips whenever he saw Iroh. He was belittling him, of course.

He didn't also expect less from the annoying nobles of Fire Nation though. Their eyes lingered around him with disgust, and Iroh returned them his blithe smile.

Military officers didn't even look at his face, but that didn't matter, they were just greedy rivals looking forward for his former position.

Even Qiang, his right-hand man, tried to stay off him with a painful expression in his face. He wanted to climb in the army probably, he was young. Iroh didn't say anything.

But lowly enlisted soldiers knew him and still liked him, and it is what makes Iroh happy. Most of the servants were still so kind and Iroh likes their company. Of course there are ones who is blinded by Ozai's propaganda too. But most of them liked the old, defeated-but-not-ashamed-of-it man he is.

Iroh feels like he also likes the old, defeated-but-not-ashamed-of-it man he is.

-

He always thought Zuko was pretty similiar with Lu Ten, but right now looking at him, playing with his swords in the garden, he sees he was wrong. Lu Ten had the spin of being loved and cared around him. He carried this to everywhere he went. Even though he grew up without a mother, he didn’t lack any love in his life. _Until the end. But Iroh will not think about that right now._

Zuko, on the other hand, doesn't had the same healthy posture anymore. He is agitated most of the time; Iroh attributes this to death of his mother. He is much more distant and even rude right now, but also, behind of the some outbursts, there is sadness. Iroh remembers him; he wasn't like that before he left the palace.

Azula... Azula was a different case. She was pretty little when Iroh left, she was kind towards her brother and she was loud. Yes, she was loud, she was laughing a lot, she and her brother played so many games all the time, she climbed, she fell, she rolled around- she did everything.

Now she clearly despises her brother, they don't seem to play anymore. When they play, it is more of a game of hurting her brother, but it seems as it pleases their father. She is silent and sneaky. _She is surviving and she is good at it_.

Palace garden was always a peaceful place; it always had a lovely view and always smelled like jasmine and lily. Iroh liked spending time here, Zuko liked too, so he isn't surprised to find his nephew in the garden.

He is playing with his swords. Or maybe training, it is not easy to understand from there, he is alone and he just swings them around. He does have patterns though.

"Hello, Prince Zuko!" says Iroh with a genuine smile. Zuko looks around for a second, and when he sees his uncle, his face hardens in a way Iroh doesn't expect.

"Hello, uncle." he says with a small voice, bowing. He is surprised to see him, and states that too, formally. _Not the excited child Iroh left months ago_.

"No need to be distant Zuko," says Iroh and hugs him. Zuko is even more surprised, he frowns at the politeness.

"Father said you weren't coming soon," he explains.

"But I am here right now. And I really missed my nephew. Would you want to drink tea with me?"

Zuko hesitates at first and _"Tea?"_ he teases with venom. It is a tone that suits well to Ozai or sometimes Azula as Iroh is going to experience. _Harsh._

But he adds "If I am not being a trouble, of course, uncle." quickly, as if he is afraid of a reaction, Iroh frowns.

He doesn't understand anything but strokes his nephew’s head and pulls him closer while they are walking to his room. The prince doesn't seem to understand his behaviours too. They are nothing but two strangers now.

"So, what kind of things have you done when I was away?" asks Iroh while pouring tea for his nephew.

"I learned dual swords, actually," he says shamefully. "Unfortunately my bending isn't that good and it is not really appropriate for royalty-"

"Nonsense!" Iroh interrupts, even though he has no idea that his nephew will be the master of the Avatar one day, back then.

"Your bending as far as I remember was excellent! And you know there were non-bender Fire Lords too, right? Remember the Qin dynasty era or Six Families-"

Zuko's face falls as he swallows quickly. He didn't expected it to turn a history lesson and he is _not good_ at history. Considering Azula. Besides, he really didn't heard of Fire Lord's who can't bend. Of course he didn’t, why would the curriculum of Azulon’s or Ozai’s include them anyway?

"Uh- I am sorry, I didn't worked on history much uncle, but I promise I will-"

"You don't need to apologize, Zuko.” Iroh stops him with raising his hand slowly. “I just wanted to give an example. And I am pretty sure you are great at both bending and sword, it makes you good as double! Oh, look, the tea is delicious."

"Do you really think that way?"

"Absolutely. There is no way for tea to not being delicious. Who was your trainer?"

"Master Piandao." Zuko says with excitement. _So he liked him,_ thinks Iroh until Zuko adds with a disgrace: "But he didn't want to teach me at first."

"Do you know why?"

"I don't know- he probably didn't think I was worthy. Which makes sense-"

"He didn't wanted to teach you, because he doesn't like being in the palace." interrupts Iroh. "I have seen you; you are pretty decent at it."

Zuko is once again surprised, but after the amazement he once again frowns, he doesn't want pity, he isn't this weak-

"It is wrong, isn't it?” he asks in a bitter way. Not getting along with- the palace? The palace residents?" At least he doesn't say _treason_ instead of wrong or doesn't say _Father_ instead of residents. Iroh feels like he is talking to a brain washed zombie. But it is nothing yet, he will need to get used to all of this.

"I think having your own opinions is the best way of helping the Fire Nation." he says carefully. Still, he doesn't really know Zuko much anymore. He changes the subject by drinking his tea and asking another question.

"If you finished your tea, we can go to feed turtle-ducks," he suggests. "You loved it when you were a child, remember?"

"I am not a child anymore," grumbles Zuko and Iroh once again sees the shadow of Ozai. "I prefer practising my bending. _You_ may not understand it."

Iroh ignores the unexpected asperity.

"But you loved it; you and your mother were there all summer-"

"I am not allowed to talk about my mother." Zuko whispers sharply, staring at his cup.

"How stupid! Who says so? If you don't talk about your grief it won't stop hurting you. It is like locking a nymphea on a chest." he touches Zuko's chest while saying these words, Zuko raises his head. "It will keep doubling and it will _grow_ and it will _grow_ and it will _explode_!"

Prince's face looks conflicted for a second. Iroh is not sure why Ozai doesn’t let them talk about her. He can’t delete her from everyone’s memory, right? _But probably hearing the victim’s name is annoying._ Iroh loathes his own thoughts. What is he thinking? He feels like he is about the puke.

But then Zuko sighs and opens the chest.

"I don't know what happened to her," he says. "I don't know anything, I- I don't know where she is, I don't know why he doesn't let us talk- I-" a sob pops on his throat.

Iroh embraces his nephew once more.

"I am sorry, for being rude, uncle." his nephew says with tears in his eyes.

"Apology accepted," says Iroh and pats his nephew's shoulder slowly. Just like how he would like to do to his son.

_Oh,_ he thinks. _The same boy I left_.

-

Iroh finds Azula in a corridor. She abruptly jumps when sees his uncle and gets away from a door. Iroh suspects she was eavesdropping on someone but he doesn't say anything. Instead, "Hello, Princess Azula!" he greets her.

"Hello, uncle!" she bows with a familiar smirk in her face. She projects her father _so much_. "I heard you were not coming from _Earth Kingdom_." she says with a stinging voice. She isn't the same child he left before the siege.

"My journey ends here,” answers Iroh without showing any touchiness. “And I brought beautiful tea leaves with me, would you like to company me? I missed my niece."

"Tea?" She shakes her head with a lifts her eyebrows. "Unfortunately I can't, I need to work hard on my fighting." she says and turns around.

Iroh hears something like _'old man'_ and _'failure'_ while she walks away.

Prince and princess have changed, for sure. Iroh isn't sure of what to do but he will try to help them no matter what, even when this means humiliation. And he will write about the the palace to Piandao. But first he should find a way to transmit letters without questions. Hisoka comes to his mind.


	10. i work for them

He tries to find Hisoka. They can help each other, and even if he doesn't want to admit, _Iroh is so lonely_. He has no one to talk since he left The White Lotus quarter in Earth Kingdom and even though they were depressed days, he misses his times in the North Pole.

He realizes how truly happy he was, he could talk to them without being subtle or sneaky. They understood him and he understood them. They were learning from each other. They were showing each other different techniques. Just like when he saw the dragons, he saw how firebending had nothing to do with his nation’s stupid doctrines. Bending an element with the technique of another one felt so eager. He missed the days Bumi was showing him earthbending techniques or Pakku tried waterbend with firebending moves.

But palace was the place of dialogues he tries to maintain without throwing up. With every disgusting, little benefit centred dialogue, Iroh becomes one step closer to getting crazy.

He needs a White Lotus member.

He asks for Hisoka around and summons him to his room. He prepares tea contently and takes out one of the best teapot set he had. When there is a knock on the door, he is sitting and waiting for his friend.

Hisoka is young, _-maybe at Lu Ten's age, thinks Iroh-_ and he looked calm. He is probably coming from southern islands, judging by his darker skin and black eyes.

"You wanted me, Prince Iroh?" he asks at the doorsill.

"Yes, please sit down," pleads Iroh kindly.

Hisoka does as told without hesitation. His face is unreadable, maybe he is trying to calculate what former general up to, or would it be rude to directly ask.

"May I ask-" he hesitates.

"Of course!" encourages Iroh while carefully pouring tea to his guest.

"May I ask why a servant like me has a place at your table, sir?"

"I just want to have a chat friend," is the answer that comes with a smile.

"Of course," obeys servant with a confused look because he doesn't have any choice.

"Your name is Hisoka, you are sure, right?" asks Iroh. The lad in front of him gets along with the description he is given, but he needs to be sure. The last thing he wants is a servant to accuse him of being a traitor.

"I have the full knowledge of my name, my prince." talks back Hisoka, and immediately regrets it.

"Oh, you are right, it was a stupid question.” apologizes Iroh. "But my old mind sometimes fails me, what can I say?" he laughs.

Hisoka mutters something sounds like an apologize. Iroh nods slowly while thinking.

"Do you know a sword master, named Piandao?" Iroh asks.

"Yes, he was Prince Zuko's teacher. Is something wrong?" defends Hisoka.

"Nothing. Just curious. But do you know anyone called Pakku?" persists Iroh weirdly.

Iroh sips his tea and encourages him to do the same. Hisoka looks at the tea with suspicion.

"Not really." he says dryly.

"Then I am sure you've heard of a brilliant earthbender called Bumi?"

"I don't know. Isn't he a mayor or something?" says servant while putting his hands inside of his pocket.

"Interesting," says Iroh while thinking deeply. "Try the tea; it is not just fresh but also grew on a beautiful soil. Did you know that tea can help with most of the diseases?"

"I didn't," says the servant while placing his fingers around the cup tightly. But Iroh knows, he spent his weeks searching for the cure of his wife.

"If you find it bitter I can found you sugar!" Iroh stands up. "But one must drink their tea plain if they really want to taste the sunny fields of leaves."

He looks for sugar in his shelves. Where was his sugar bowl? It was porcelain and it had very beautiful flower-glazed tiles. He opens a few drawers and pulls a few cupboard door.

Then he hears a crash.

He turns to see a guilty looking Hisoka examining a broken cup and the spilled tea. _Weird_ , Iroh thinks, _I can swear he pushed the cup on purpose._

"I am so sorry!" Hisoka jumps to clear the mess.

That's when Iroh realizes it. Hisoka is a good liar and a not-so-bad actor but his hands... His hands give him away. They are shaking abruptly while trying to pick up fragments.

"Oh, I am sorry!" Iroh exclaims. Then he lowers his volume. "I know the White Lotus. Don't worry!"

Hisoka freezes as a stone for a moment. Then he turns around and tries to run away with horror in his face.

"Wait!" Iroh grabs his wrist with a quick move. "I work for them too!"

"Then why are you trying to poison me?" screams Hisoka while trying to get rid of the former general. He is breathing heavily.

Iroh unclasps his hand. "I am not doing such thing!" he says with confusion. "It was just tea!"

"But everyone knows the stories of disappearing servants!"

Sometimes only for not bowing deep enough or just because not using the right spice or fork on a plate. Who calls for a servant and drinks tea with them while accusing them of knowing traitor masters or enemy benders?

If some disappear for being inappropriate, what would happen to Hisoka for being a spy?

"Oh," says Iroh, mortified. He tries not to think about what has changed when he wasn’t there. But it was clear how palace became a terrible place. Then he sits and right away puts his finger on the spilled tea and licks it. "Look?" he asks while grazing his finger. "It's okay. I really acted neophyte. How do you do it normally?"

Hisoka blinks a few times. Iroh seems to enjoy the tea, because he licks it more than a few times.

"I mean, how you ask anyone if they are a member or not without frightening someone to death?" he laughs a little bit. "I shouldn't give myself away but I need to ask them properly, right?" he muses. "But how exactly?"

"I don't know." says Hisoka, he looks less dishevelled. "I didn't need to ask anyone before."

"Yeah, me too, but it is pretty obvious."

Hisoka smiles at the joke slowly.

"I didn't know you were a traitor, Prince Iroh." he asks while sitting back.

"I will need to say 'me too' once again, dear Hisoka. But I have the best intention of Fire Nation in my heart.”

Iroh pours another cup of tea for the lad.

“And, please, call me Iroh. So, I guess we are on a complex building full of people hates us?" he smiles.

"You can say that." answers Hisoka. "Three years and I am here though." he shrugs.

"This is really praiseworthy, actually. You are really good at your job, but your hands gave you away."

Hisoka nods at this. "I really thought you understood everything."

"I really apologize for scaring you. I stupidly assumed we both agreed upon being a part of the order." Iroh says. "Still don't understand why we don't have a better way of asking, though."

"We are not that big.” says Hisoka matter of factly. “And, members were never that close."

"But it won't be that way always," says Iroh thoughtfully. "Worse times are coming, we will need more allies."

"I actually just know master Piandao on person, and my communication was always on letter. He was the one to offer me this job."

Iroh nods slowly. “You are really brave,” he mutters. “I wish youth didn’t take place at any of it.”

Hisoka remains silent; maybe he remembers the fate of Iroh’s son and realizes the heaviness of the wish.

"Now I realized your visit can draw attention.” Iroh changes the subject. “What are you going to say?"

Hisoka muses for a second. "I think what I thought at first is a good lie, if I soften it. _You were mad at me because I was disrespectful_." he says, "but it can drive a wedge between you and other servants."

Iroh sighs. "It's okay. I seemed too friendly and it was making some of the court angry anyway." he strokes his beard.

"Oh, and I was going to ask you about mailing!” he asks. “How do you do it?”

That night Iroh writes his first letter to his friends, from palace, suggesting finding a secret way of communicating. To making sure if someone is a member, they could play Pai Sho. After all, Jeong Jeong's white lotus move was so apparent and clever. Why they don’t symbolise their loyalty on the Pai Sho table? Lotus flowers are very beautiful on boards.

They really start using this technique to understand if someone was a member. They were growing, after all. White Lotus grew more members day after day.

Iroh was going to use it someday too, his nephew in his side, not understanding anything when Iroh was playing with an old Earth National.

He summons Hisoka a lot, and everyone collectively feels bad for him. But what is he doing to get the former general so angry all the time?

Some said it was an excuse to harass him. Some said they were two crazy who found each other. Some said Iroh had a soft spot for people at the age of like Lu Ten.

Thankfully, no one realized the real reason.

For a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know there is an oc and it is annoying but... at least it explains how they developed a way of communicating aka Pai Sho! I am still in love with how Iroh met a member through pai sho in book 2! poetic...


	11. leave the palace

Iroh is depressed. The problem is not just everyone patronizing him. He can stand them. He can stand Ozai’s smirks. He can stand Azula's little vulgarnesses. He can stand how Zuko acts rude and step back sometimes. But he can't stand little talks. He can't stand having quick words. He can’t stand the normality of most of the things. Because all of them only points out one thing: _His fellow citizens are cruel._

And that was all.

He can go with personal hatred.

But if one more time he will hear about the dragon hunts or war he will lose his mind. One more fascist word and he will run amok. Everyone seems so all right with horrible things they do! Everyone _casually_ talks about their day, their violence and their forcefulness.

And Iroh can’t stand them.

For the first time Jeong Jeong's ideas doesn't seem so far away. He really feels like a monster and an _ash-maker_. If he didn't meet the dragons he would abandon his bending ability already, just like Jeong Jeong.

He just wants to talk to people without thinking twice. He just wants people he can get along. Why is it so hard? Why Agni hates him so much?

He wants to talk Hisoka and Hisoka also seems to take a breath when they chat but they draw too much attention. Hisoka started to decline his calls and staying of off him in the last days. He is right, what can Iroh say? Hisoka would have faced much more punishment probably. _Would they execute him? But would they execute Iroh?_

Therefore, the formal general doesn't leave his room mostly. Sometimes he summons Zuko. His shyness and then rudeness breaks his heart. Iroh really needs to build up the boy again. They sometimes play Pai Sho and Iroh talks about his memories to Zuko, he seems to find them interesting. But when Iroh starts to think their relationship is evolving, Zuko gets angry at something. He is either so scared of him, or so furious with him. On the other hand, Azula never answers his calls; so at least Zuko listens to him, Iroh tries to think.

Iroh mostly lies down for hours, and then eats -if he feels like he can. Palace foods are so good and they always include fish species no one can find in a normal town or very expensive spices coming with long ostrich-horse caravans. However, the guilt that comes with them is priceless. Every full plate is an abyss in the stomach of an Earth Kingdom family.

He looks at his own reflection in the mirror this morning. Pale skin, dark brown hair with a now patronizing hint of greys. Last incidents changed him so much. But heart-breaking part is how the man in the mirror wanted to bring glory to his nation in disgusting ways.

After washing his face and hands with the rose water from the marble basin, he drinks some tea. He reads. He paces in his room. He finally leaves his room, just to wander around and listen. It is his duty; he should do it no matter what. A _bad mood_ shouldn't prevent him from anything. He should even attend to war meetings soon. He heaves a painful sigh. He doesn’t want to go to the war meetings.

While walking around he hears some noisy clamour from distant. He leads to the servants wings with an instinct.

Voices become clear with every step he takes. "What is that? Who are you writing to?" snarls a harsh male voice.

Iroh takes another turn and finds himself in front of a door. "Nothing, it is just a game-" explains a murmur from the other side.

_Hisoka_.

Iroh is not sure if he should walk in, if he gets involved it will raise doubts.

"Game? What the hell-" Iroh startles with the noise of something broken into pieces.

"Do you think it is a game?"

"It is for my little brother- I meant nothing sir, I am sorry."

He has to step in. He can't stay silent- what if something happens to him, what if they take him to court? What if they punish him?

"Sorry? Sorry? They will be after your blood for this! They will behead you! And you deserve it!”

Another voice of something falling. The man throws porcelains around.

“What did you leaked to your little friends?” he ridicules. “How Fire Lord Ozai likes his clothes folded? How you serve Princess Azula's food? How Prince Zuko likes the lily as a room odor?" with every word the man becomes more waxy. His voice was like hot wax indeed, stinging to the other’s skin.

But nothing hurts like the last words he uses, "How Prince Iroh likes to summon you?" both Hisoka and Iroh. "We all know how he pays off old scores on you."

Iroh takes a breath. So they think he hurts him, they think he takes his anger out of him? Bad. Very bad. Or maybe it is good for his reputation? He waits. He wants to act like he didn't hear the last words.

He hears something like the sound of a whip. He has to get in.

He opens the door slowly, the man and Hisoka freezes. A quite disgusting scene is played in front of him. The man- probably the major-domo, the head chamberwaiter, holds lots of papers, shouting, spitting, clearly having the dominance. Hisoka is just stares at his feet, his hands hiding behind his back. His cheek is red.

The man just bows respectfully to Iroh as soon as he sees him. He is still the prince after all. Hisoka follows him too, but both know how he forgets needing to bow before Iroh for a second. However, the fear of the man gives Iroh an idea.

"What happens here?" he asks as rude as he can. "I can hear your noise from my room! What shall one do to sleep without being disturbed?"

"I am sorry but sir, this scum-"

"Don't use that word," Iroh warns him.

"This servant is hiding weird letters, look at this!"

Iroh takes the letters from him; they all are full of inapprehensible words. He recognizes it though; it is one of his letters to Piandao. He doesn't acts anything out though. Hopefully.

For someone didn't know the coding system, on the other hand, they are not _words_ , exactly. They look like someone write them while drawing a ticket of letters from a lottery bag. If the first word was 'dear', it would mean the 'd' meant s, the 'e' meant r, the 'a' meant t and the 'r' meant 4. But it doesn't make any sense. Besides, maybe they have different system for each line?

"What is this?" Iroh asks with an unamused voice.

"I am sure he is a traitor!" screams the head butler. "I found him while he was digging something in the garden! Look-" he clutchs Hisoko's arm and shows his fingernails to Iroh. They are really full of dirt, Iroh imagines he was burying the letters to somewhere and another individual was taking them.

“He leaks information for sure! The letters are enciphered!”

"I know cryptography," says Iroh with arrogance. He was a general, and he reminds it to them. He keeps observing the letter thoughtfully. What was Hisoka saying before he stepped in?

"It looks like they talk about the servant's daily life- hmmm- I presume you have a brother, am I right?"

"Yes, sir. He wants to be a detective, so I play along with him. That's all! I mean no harm-"

"Shut up," dogmatises Iroh. He hates it, but he has to. "I can see that much myself."

"How do you explain the digging?" the man asks this time. He is clearly astonished with Iroh's fast decoding skills but doesn't say anything about it.

Hisoka swallows. "I was sharing... things with a girl. Princess Azula's servant... I gave her a necklace. I thought it was romantic."

Hisoka is a good liar, he hesitates, but he looks like he is baring his soul at the same time. In addition, he successfully hides his hands, so it is all good.

The man seems to calm down a little bit. But before he can open his mouth, Iroh looks at Hisoka and shoots ahead. He hopes he has a disgusted facial expression.

"Pick up your marbles and leave. The palace is not a children's home, we don't have time for childish plays."

Iroh is not a so bad actor, and Hisoka doesn't need to pretend to be shocked, he _is_ shocked.

He gapes with astonishment, "But this is my job!" he screams. "I need my job! I need money! Please don't fire me, please, I can do anything. No!"

He kneels and keeps begging. “I have a family! I didn’t do anything! I deserve this job! You can’t- you can’t-”

But Iroh slowly leaves the room and Hisoka's screams draws guards to the wing. With Iroh’s little hand gesture, they chuck him out quickly, he keeps screaming. At some point Iroh winces, there is no way of distinguishing if he is acting or not.

“I- I want to stay! Please! I beg you!”

Fortunately, while about to turn the corner, while they are dragging him, he winks at Iroh nebulously. And in a trice he keeps shouting. "I was here for four years! You can't just throw me out!"

A few moment later corridors are calm.

What a day. _What a day_. What he had done?

Iroh looks aback him from the windows. Hisoka is walking jadishly downhill to the grand gate of the palace. Guards let him go at the door of the building.

Iroh clearly did good, because the lad is _alive_. And this is all that matters.

Did he just saved a boy - not to say Lu Ten's age- at this war?

Yes, yes he did. He saved a boy by just _scolding him_. As parents tend to.

He is happy. He will just need to engage in a few stupid dialogues about what just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the summary: iroh acts like he doesn't know him and fires him, so they will not suspect him anymore.  
> here it ends, original character no more.
> 
> actually, he existed for this sentence: Did he just saved a boy - not to say Lu Ten's age- at this war?


	12. grand lotus

War meetings are boring. And aggravating. Iroh doesn't like them at all. But he had to start attending some of them.

Ozai is more than amused. Iroh is sure he smiles from ear to ear behind his back.

The old, dishonoured general attends to the new meetings. Funny.

_Didn't he turn back from Ba Sing Se empty handed?_

_Yeah, what was the reason again?_

_I don't know, some say earthbenders had their foot on his son's neck._

What a joke. War meetings? General Iroh? What a joke.

They are full of rituals, as Iroh likes to call them. Weird respect shows, bowings, not talking, not sitting on the Colonel Shinu's right but not sitting on the War Minister Qin's left. Why? Because it would be considered rude. Because traditions say so.

-

Another boring day at the palace. Another meeting.

Iroh passes the red curtains and sits in an empty place while considering everything he should. He is in a good place, not too close to the short tempered General Bujing because he was always the centre of attention. Not too far away from the map and turning his back to his brother. He doesn't want to see him, on the throne, behind a wall of fire. He hates the look of him that way. His baby brother, whom he escaped while laughing while playing, has changed so much.

And they start talking. They talk for hours. Sweat droplets slide from the old man's foreheads. Hues and cries rise. Iroh mostly sits there and frowns. Just like rest of the stupid generals. He hates being in that room. He hates the jokes they make. He hates hearing the plans when the narrator is so rageful. However, he was the rageful plan narrator once too, wasn’t he? Maybe he hates meetings this much because of it. It is like an ugly mirror to the past.

But still, it is worth it.

He learns about the last attack plans for the Earth Kingdom, spies they sent to the four corners, where the last waterbenders from the south are. After every meeting, he immediately locks himself to his room.

And writes.

Writes down every detail he can remember. Every implication of harm to others. Every plan. Every blood that can be spilled. Every sweat that already spilled on the map that day.

He writes.

And waits. He paces in his room, did the letter reached the White Lotus? Do they know? Do they learn Fire Nation’s plans on three-island region in four days? Do Iroh help them?

Or the same question again, from a different perspective: Do they now? Do they know how Iroh is like cullender, how he drains every piece of information? What would they do if his cover was blown? He sighs.

He doesn't sleep until the answers comes back. It is already hard to hide letters from Ozai, he reads everything that comes in and out to the palace. He is a terrible lord already now.

And to crown it all Iroh doesn't even know if the letters are safe in any other step of transit. He doesn't even know if receivers are safe.

But he helps. All letters come back to him with joy, everyone can tell how the letters’ owners were smiling while writing them: _Today we defeated a division here, Iroh. I realized they were spies, Iroh. We saved a whole village, Iroh!_

And he takes a breath of relief with every single of them. He almost doesn’t want to burn them. But he has to.

-

He just gave the White Lotus a vital information about a spy squad coming to Earth Kingdom. They are grateful, they made provisions for it. And Piandao’s letter says they were successful. Iroh brightens up.

But there is more. The last paragraph.

The letter suggests him to be the Grand Lotus.

_Grand Lotus_.

Grand Lotus?

Iroh raises his head from the letter. Does he deserve it? It seems so. They like him. He helps them, he really does! He didn't just leak information last days, he found the best plans for every one of them. Best uses of the datas. Best strategies. He is useful. And they want him to be the _Grand Lotus_.

Surprising. Flattering. But Iroh doesn't like the idea much. He doesn't want to admit but he is too humble to accept it. Besides, in his heart, he has a hatred for every kind of _rank_ these days. He just wants to be a soldier. He is not a general anymore. And he likes it.

Still, he smiles wildly.

The letter ends with a question, right before Piandao’s signature.

_However, Iroh, I am curious of something. Do you join every meeting?_

_Best wishes, Piandao._

Iroh blinks a few times.

No, he doesn't join every meeting.

Should he? But it is impossible for him to do this. So many meetings take place every day, large and small. He thought he was joining the most of them and it was enough for the White Lotus. Most of them are unnecessary for him to join. And most of them would raise doubts if he was going to join them. Some of them are about local, specific incidents.

Iroh writes that he doesn't want to be the Grand Lotus. But also he asks- _should he join every meeting?_

He starts doing so. Or to be more exact, _he tries_. And at nights, he still can’t sleep. Letters are too dangerous. He has seen what they were about to do to Hisoka. He wants to see the end of this war. This is weird, because months ago he wasn’t sure if he wanted to live anymore.

The letter comes after eight stressful days. Iroh finally starts breathing and quickly decodes it.

_I am so sorry, you misunderstood. We want you to calm down, Iroh. We cannot follow every plan you write. It is going to look like every meeting you attend fails. We don’t want them to suspect you. Even when you listen a plan, we sometimes have to stop and watch. We don't want to endanger you! You work too much. Please rest, Grand Lotus._

_Respectfully yours, Piandao._

_Grand Lotus?_ Iroh titters at his friends' obstinacy. They don’t take “no” as an answer.

Right after burning the paper, he is ready to be the prisoner of a restful sleep in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think somehow we can say backstory ends here, Iroh is Grand Lotus after all.
> 
> but i will carry it to the 3rd book i think, from Iroh's perspective with his comunication white lotus? i guess? so at the same time it isn't over too
> 
> thank you so much for reading and caring that far. thank you.


	13. long long way to ba sing se

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: child abuse, dislocated arm, mention of death (lu ten)
> 
> nothing is graphic or too dark but there is zuko and ozai and it doesn't mean a good relationship in any way.

The door opens slowly, Iroh steps in his room and sits in his desk, starts writing a letter. He is frowning, and he almost knocks over his inkwell. He just took the permission of Ozai, he has to be quick.

He hated seeing his pleased face when he was asking for it, but he just shrugs. He will ignore his brother’s dominance need.

There is a knock on the door.

Iroh stops.

“May I come in?”

Iroh smiles, he knows the owner of this voice. “Of course, my nephew!”

Zuko gets in the room and bows. Iroh just waves his hand, meaning _don’t mind the decorum_. Zuko drags his feet and approaches his uncle.

“Is something wrong?” Iroh asks kindly, without raising his head from the paper.

Zuko shakes his head. “I just wanted to see you.”

Even though something is clearly wrong, Iroh doesn’t push. “Great timing.” he says, “Can you give me my stamp from there?”

Zuko nods and runs over to Iroh’s shelf. He finds it after looking the third one and brings it to his uncle.

“What are you doing uncle?” he asks.

“I am breathing, sitting here, talking to you,” answers Iroh with tease.

Zuko laughs and sits in his uncle’s bed. “No, I mean, what is this?” he asks, pointing the letters.

“It is a paper with symbols made of ink on it,” answers Iroh matter of factly. “I thought you can see that, Prince Zuko!” he smiles.

Zuko chuckles once again. “Okay, it is a letter. For what?” he asks this time.

“Okay, this is a letter,” Iroh parrots but Zuko is losing his temper. “This is a letter to bring Lu Ten from Ba Sing Se.”

“Oh,” steps back Zuko. “I am sorry.”

“No need to be.” shakes his head Iroh. “And- that’s it.” He presses his stamp under Ozai’s.

He puts the letter in an envelope with a shorter paper. Ozai’s permit.

“Can you give this to the postmaster?” Iroh asks. “Then we can spend time together, I am _so_ bored.”

Zuko nods and takes the letter. He is happy to spending time with his uncle. The palace is more hostile than any palace normally is to any prince. But thinking once again, maybe it is hostile because he _is_ the prince. He is a danger to the throne even though he doesn’t know it.

Zuko goes through the door, examining the quality paper of the envelope while his uncle is crooning.

"It's a long long way to Ba Sing Se. But the girls in the city, they look so pretty!"

He has an annoyed but amused expression in his face; his uncle is a terrible singer.

He goes downstairs and gives the papers to the man. The papers indeed has a long way in front of them, in the bag of a postman, in the back of a bird, in the luggage compartment of a ship. Zuko smiles at the man thinking the long way of paper.

He turns back to head to his uncle's room.

When he arrives the room, he is breathing heavily.

"I gave the letter to him," he says. "Uncle?"

Iroh is sitting in the same chair, his back turned to Zuko. His shoulders are startling and Zuko immediately draws closer to him.

"I am so sorry uncle, is it because I asked? I didn't meant to make you cry, I am sorry," he apologizes quickly, face full of stress.

Iroh wipes his tears away. "No, Zuko. I am happy that you asked." he hugs him. "We can visit him together when he comes, what do you say?"

"Of course!" Zuko exclaims. He looks relieved. "I can ask Azula if she wants to," he says, "but I doubt she will."

_Of course._ Iroh isn’t surprised.

He sighs and stands up as they draw apart. "Were you running?" he asks, seeing his nephew's breathing.

Zuko just shakes his head. Iroh doesn’t know that his nephew was running away from his sister or why he would need to run away from her.

But "Okay," he just says, tilting his head. Then remembers his nephew’s down mood, and asks something to cheer him up.

"We said we were going to do something, right? Would you like to show me about your swords? I know you like them.”

Zuko frowns a little bit, nearly imperceptible. "Of course, uncle." he says with a respectful voice.

They slowly walk to the garden. Iroh sits down and watches Zuko with an encouraging face. Zuko doesn't relax.

Iroh thought Zuko was happy when he was training with his swords. This is _why he asked_ his swords in the first place. But when showing his moves in garden he looks uneasy. He is shooting glances at his uncle furtively. Iroh says a few compliments, but they don’t work.

While crossing the left sword over his head he winces and drops the sword.

He mutters an apology and reaches out to it, but only whines unwillingly.

"What is wrong?" Iroh asks standing up. But he realizes the problem quickly, he has seen lots of dislocated bones in trenches. The question changes.

"How did it happen?"

Zuko seems confused. "What how happened?" he asks with a sour face.

"Your arm?"

"Uh, I fell. I- was playing- in my own."

His nephew is a terrible liar. Iroh doesn't know who hurt him, he only hopes it is peer bullying because it is the best case scenario. And the best-case scenario being _this_ is so wrong.

"Zuko, you know that being hurt isn't wrong, right?" he asks. "We should go to the infirmary. Why you didn't warn me sooner?"

"Father doesn't like it when I spend too much time there," he says, only gazing his feet. "It is weak."

"Ignoring your nuisances is weaker, I think." Iroh says. “It is also pretty stupid.”

Zuko seems to consider it with a confused face. "I already went there this week," he says with shame.

"We are going to healer Reiki. I want no excuses." Iroh insists as Zuko's face falls. "Do you want me to carry you?"

"No!" screams Zuko. "I am not a baby, I can walk myself!"

Iroh throws his hands up innocently and follows his furious nephew.

Zuko makes no sound even when Reiki puts his joint in the place. He just opens his squeezed eyes and attempts to leave. "Not yet!" stops him Reiki. He takes out white bandages from a drawer.

Zuko's face is even more strained. "Is it necessary?" he pleads.

"If you want it to dislocate once again, no, not really," mocks the healer.

He carefully puts the prince's arm on the sling while Zuko glares Iroh with rage. When they are done, he storms out of the room.

_He doesn't seem to understand the idea of compassion or help_ , thinks Iroh, staring behind his back.

"He gets injured a lot," Reiki says with disapproval, tidying the chamber.

"I assume only from plays with coevals?" asks Iroh with hope.

Reiki's face in unreadable, pondering what to say to please the Dragon of West, General Iroh, The Crown Prince and especially, _Ozai's brother_.

"Mostly." he finally answers. _Mostly._

Iroh feels something shuddering inside him. But after that, he feels that he isn’t surprised, learning Ozai or maybe trainers hurt his nephew.

He thanks the healer and goes after Zuko.

He finds him in his room, sitting in his bed by himself. When he sees his uncle, he frowns and turns his back to him.

"Go away," he mutters.

"What is wrong, Prince Zuko? If you don’t tell me, I can't help you," Iroh sits down.

"Nothing is wrong!" screams Zuko. "Stop trying to get involved, old man!"

"Alright," he says. "Alright. But if your father says anything, I did it, okay?" he points out Zuko's sling.

Zuko makes no sound and doesn't even raise his head as if he is waiting for his uncle to leave.

"Promise me." Iroh insists. "If he says anything, I am here."

Zuko nods hesitantly.

“Great. Now, would you like to play Pai Sho?”

Zuko turns his face to his uncle.

“I am never close to merciful when it comes to it, you know.”

Zuko’s lips a little bit curls to something that can considered as a smile. He only understands being competitors. Only understands being ignored when he is in pain.

“First one to complete five harmonies?” questions Iroh while opening Zuko’s folded board.

“Ten?” suggests Zuko, he wants his uncle’s accompany longer. Iroh smiles.

Zuko plays with his right hand, he is three harmonies behind Iroh but still he has fun.

“How is it going with your father?” Iroh asks at some point, carefully, trying to look unconcerned ,he right after breaks one of Zuko’s harmonies. Therefore, prince is busy with finding a new strategy. Examining the board, “It is complicated,” he says absent-mindedly.

Iroh doesn’t understand the meaning, he only hopes maybe, just maybe, he is mixing up two identities of Ozai.

Can one be a terrible fascist dictator but a good father?

Azulon was an example of the question, perhaps. He wasn’t the best father. He was cold and distant and most of the time, he was _forcing_. He forced them to be persons they couldn’t be, sometimes. He would coerce them into things _like dragon hunts_. But young Iroh didn’t even see that as a problem, it is only a susceptibility of Iroh _now_.

And Azulon wouldn’t hurt Iroh or Ozai. But yes, Iroh has to admit, he may favoured Iroh a bit. His brother grew more passionate and more mercilessness slowly, and one day, Iroh was the only one to drink tea with their father! Of course Azulon loved him. By the time, Iroh was too busy envying his brother’s ruthlessness. It looked like it was opening doors in front of Ozai.

Perhaps Ozai was envying their father’s love by the time.

Iroh shakes his head and puts his fire lily in front of Zuko. Zuko whines about not understanding his uncle’s strategy and attempts for a new and bold move.

Iroh questions, for a brief moment, what would he feel if the answer Lu Ten gave, in exchange of such question, was _‘It is complicated’._ It makes him feel nauseous. He wonders if Lu Ten ever gave such an answer in his life. He is not sure, and there is no way to learn it right now.

But he loved him. Yes, he made a mistake, a lethal one, and his son paid the price. _The price of not thinking before being cruel._ But he loved him.

And he tried to make it clear through his life.

He hopes he was successful.

He raises his hand with a strained face, because of the train of thoughts, and puts his wheel tile to very close to Zuko’s white dragon. He can easily capture it. It confuses him even more, he mutters “Is this even possible?” under his breath, looking at the places of the tiles.

“Ah, my nephew,” says Iroh, “the very complex way of teachings that builds up with time and age.” But when he sees his nephew raising an eyebrow at that, adds while smiling. “And, of course, luck was by my side.”

Zuko makes an approving noise. “Father says that for Azula too.” he says casually while trying a new strategy. “And that I was lucky to be born.”

Iroh’s heart sinks.

Maybe he needs to make it clear to another boy too, that he loves him.

“You don’t need it, though,” he says, knowing he can’t say much more right now. When he shows too much concern or talks too honest, the prince slips through his finger.

“Luck is incapturable and irresolute. It would leave you in the lurch. Learning, on the other hand, and improving, working hard; would make you better.”

The prince’s eyes grow big with excitement.

Iroh teaches him a few of the game’s secrets: with pointing out ‘You don’t have to rush here,’ or saying ‘Pay attention to the gates,’. Zuko nods with fondness. When they keep playing and he makes cleverer choices.

He laughs at his uncle’s tea joke. He is happy.

Until Ozai steps in the room.

Zuko’s smile from his latest move fades away from his lips, in a heartbeat.

“What is that?” Ozai’s asks, disappoint in his voice, meaning his son’s arm.

“His arm was dislocated, so we had a visit to the infirmary wing.” states Iroh strictly and earns grateful glances from Zuko. Iroh smiles at him.

Ozai ignores his brother and reprimands Zuko for not working on his lessons. Zuko slowly gets up and leaves the room, escaping from Ozai’s eyes.

And they are alone in the room.

“Teaching them to ignore illness is not a clever move.” says Iroh. “I don’t see any rational purpose behind this.”

“I am not getting parenting advice from _you_.” says Ozai and leaves the room.

_Of course, why would anyone take advice from him? Didn’t he killed his own son? Didn't he just ordered his grave?_ Iroh sits there shamefully. Maybe they were both terrible parents. Maybe he wasn’t so different from Ozai. _But he wanted to be different so desperately. He couldn’t be the same, could he? He couldn’t hurt anyone with only one sentence coming out from his mouth, unlike what Ozai just did._

_He doesn’t know._

Of course he doesn’t know what Ozai promised his wife, every time he spoke to his son he was going to treat him like he wasn’t his own, like he was the filthy dog her mother wanted him to be. And even if he didn’t promised such thing, he wasn’t caring about their well being, why would he? Weak belonged to beneath.

_He only hopes to be different. Envelopes coming from yards away said the otherwise. Maybe they were honest._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know, ursa wished zuko to be not ozai's son but her lover's son so ozai promised to act like it from that moment on, on the comics. what a douche bag.


	14. dreadfully boring

Lu Ten came, but this once it is Iroh's time to leave.

Today is the end. Of what? Of so many things.

"My beloved Lu Ten," he whispers to his son's new transported grave. "I will see you again."

But this is not the beginning of the end.

At the beginning, he was sure his brother was killing his son, just like Iroh did to his own son. He didn't do it directly and he knew nothing by the time but Ozai knows. He knows what he is doing. It wasn't a fight. It wasn't a dual.

However, neither this is the beginning of the end.

It started in the front of a door.

Iroh was heading to the meeting dolefully and he saw the prince's debate with the guards. He wasn’t seeing the prince much more these days. Ozai made sure he wasn’t, probably.

"This guards don't let me in!" he screamed at his uncle. Iroh didn’t understand why would he want to join it. Were they like that now? Letting 13-year-olds at war meetings?

"You are not missing much, trust me." Iroh said. "These meetings are dreadfully boring."

He was being honest. If he wasn't there for White Lotus he would run like hell far from these meetings.

But Zuko was way too stubborn to let it go.

"If I am going to rule this nation one day," he started, "don't you think I start to learning as much as I can?"

_Okay, logical._ Iroh remembered the day he suggested Zuko as the Fire Lord. He wanted Zuko to see things he couldn't by his age. He should understand the horrible side of the war. Zuko has to be cleverer than Iroh when it came to the head of their nation. And it would be good for him to see how those meetings are: war is not probably what Zuko thought it is, he is just thirteen. He needs to see the seriousness of it, right? He needs to see how it is _boring_ but also _harmful_.

"Very well."

He drawed his nephew closer. "But promise not to speak, those old folks are a bit sensitive."

Zuko nodded while smiling and they stepped in the room.

The plan was horrible.

It was more than horrible. It was something else. They called their own nationals _"fresh meat"_ that day, it wasn't _normal_. The need to win, the relish for blood... It was so wrong. It wasn’t like any other plans they talked at the same room.

But Iroh didn't even changed his expression.

He was going to discuss it with White Lotus. He was going to look if he can do anything. Because it is just meant the death of an inexpereinced division and earthbender soldiers. Before that, he could even consider talking to the war minister himself. He probably had a price. He could talk to Ozai too. Ozai would like to see him beg for soldiers’ life. _Just like how he did to Agni, for the life of one soldier at nights._ He took a breath. He could handle this.

Unfortunately, thinking about his short-run plan, Iroh didn't noticed his nephew getting tense, wincing at the word "meat", and standing up.

Why he didn't? Why he didn't stop him? Perhaps because he was too busy thinking of his own son. Perhaps he was too weak to stop his nephew.

Perhaps he really wanted someone to speak up _for once_ at these meetings.

Fire Lord's wall of fire flared up dangerously with Zuko's ‘ _unrespectful’_ words.

And Iroh was sure his nephew was dead while Ozai was leaving the dual.

_But it wasn't a dual._

Iroh was the only one in the Agni Kai chamber in minutes.

_But it wasn't an Agni Kai._

Healer took the boy and Iroh followed him. He didn’t know why he looked away. Didn’t he hear the screams anyway?

All he knows is he should get up. All he knows is he will never look away once more. Never. He exerts himself to leave his son's grave. He needs to leave his son’s bedside and to go to his nephew's bedside. He can help only one of them, after all.

His nephew is asleep, he looks almost peaceful. Almost.

Iroh hopes he is not too close to Lu Ten.

-

This bad new were banned in the Nation, because questions about Ozai's actions weren't required.

But it was the perfect gossip to whisper in Earth Nation cottages. If he was like that to his son, what kind of a lion he was in the battlefield?


	15. the siege

First weeks were terrible. Zuko was scared of him, Iroh could see that much. Why would he be different than his brother, after all? Finally he seemed to understand his uncle was nothing but a failed old man and a goofy tea addict. And he seemed relieved. At least, for someone with a burn mark on his face and an impossible mission on his shoulders.

And if his nephew was going to feel better, Iroh could take being a weak and idiot old man. Because Zuko didn't understood the meaning of an equal and a loving relationship. He only knew either being the oppressed or being the oppressor in a relationship.

It was terrible in its own, and when they overcome that Iroh realizes himself wasn't the only frightening thing to his nephew on the ship.

"You know what?" he asks while blowing the candle on their table. On the cabinet there was already a table lamp Iroh lighted with his bending, stressing his nephew with a very close candle was unnecessary.

"I have a friend and he is a master in firebending."

Zuko winces with the last word but nods slowly. "I didn't know uncle."

"The important part is, though," Iroh adds, "how he doesn't like fire. He probably hates it."

His nephew raises his head from his plate. "Really?"

"Yes. He is really good at bending but he doesn't even want to use it!"

"Okay." Zuko avoids the topic, he was suprised at first but right now he doesn't seem to discuss over it. Asking more will mean admitting his weakness and he doesn't trust his uncle that much.

"But actually, it is only a torment to himself; denying who you are is not very clever." Iroh says without gazing his nephew, playing with his food.

He doesn't know how to reach to him, his nephew's _short temper to direct mercy_ ties his hands.

"It is nothing to be ashamed of." he finally says. "It is a natural response."

No reaction.

"I know you never give up, so I don't need to say don't give up. But when you need help, I am here, my nephew."

Zuko listens, thinks trough it, and decides not to say anything. Iroh sees this process of apathy but doesn't push.

Next day, there is a knock on his door.

A little voice explains something to him.

"Uncle... I was going to... train. And I thought-"

"Of course, Prince Zuko!” Iroh screams happily. “Let's start your training!"

He works with him through the basics but whenever he realizes his nephew is getting uneasy, he suddenly wants to have a break for tea.

Zuko doesn't protest.

-

When Iroh sees the Avatar, he has many feelings, most of them conflicted. After all, he has two egos, one altered and the other one showing based on the situation.

He actually never imagined the Avatar as a child. He always thought he died on the Avatar state and the circle was damaged. But even if he was alive and out there, as Zuko wanted to believe, Iroh thought they would be an old waterbender Avatar. Or maybe they would be a younger earthbender? Iroh didn't expected Air Nomads to live, and he was shameful about it.

But here he is, with his tattooes and quick airbending moves, the Avatar.

A twelve-year-old boy?

His uncle part is somehow happy for it, his nephew's doomed mission turns to be a hide-and-seek game. Or tag. Iroh is not sure. But his nephew will be just playing a game with a peer.

But the second feeling is the worry of a parent.

The Avatar is just a child.

A child. His responsibility and the war... The war. All the people who will snitch on him without a second thought. Everyone who will hate him. Hurt him. Iroh is not a fond of a child wandering around at this time. Wartime.

He knows the ship is too little, he can't talk to the child without being seen or he can't free him without getting caught.

Maybe he can free him right after they reach to Fire Nation. He doesn't want Zuko to being "forgiven", actually. He doesn't want him around Ozai but... It seems better that way. He can return to being a spy.

But then, Avatar doesn't need his help. They fly away and Iroh is happy with that. But of course, it is that way, for now. If something happens, he will be there.

He mostly didn't have time to write to White Lotus but he should definitely write to them about the Avatar. He puts his hand to his nephew's shoulder as they are going after the Avatar, but most importantly, they are getting closer to a post office.

What kind of a stamp should he use?

-

Zhao offers him to join to the siege of north.

Of course he doesn't know he is offering this kind of an act of violence to the _Grand Lotus_. Or the firebender studied his bending and searched for his son right there, at the North Pole.

But they are attacking them? It is not good. Not good.

Iroh says no, he feels like he can throw up if he joins anything called a "siege". But also doubts he will have any right to choose.

Zhao takes their crew. Iroh liked them, he will miss Lieutenant Jee’s fast fingers on the strings, at music nights.

But he feels lighter without them. Because without them maybe they can stop this stupid mission, maybe he can ease his nephew. He feels a weird sadness, thinking how they can die there. But there is nothing he can do.

His nephew averts his gaze away while answering the questions. Iroh already knew who was behind that blue, angry mask though.

When Zhao finally leaves them alone, Iroh starts thinking.

Letters will never reach there in time. He is sorry about that. He is not able to inform them. It is nearly impossible to gather the White Lotus completely; communication is a big problem. Iroh accepts that sorrowly. There is nothing to do about that, but perhaps it is good for them, it is not the time. He can feel it. They still need to keep a low profile.

He can still send letters though, even if reaches there late, he can write and ask about their condition. Their future condition. Probably a bad condition. He furrows his brows. He will need a few members there.

So, the best thing to do is taking a walk. He really gets older, doesn't he? But he doesn't see meaning in sitting on that dreadful ship anymore, they will need to leave it anyway, if his nephew won't force his hand to find a new crew. He can try to find a member, or a post office, or someone with those clever birds, anything.

Night air is always good for lungs; he wishes his nephew came with him. Chilling winds are better than the ship's hot ambience and smell of burnt coal. He walks down the dusty path.

He starts singing under his breath. He can go sit in a local tavern; he wants to end his interrupted music night, thanks to Zhao. _Winter, spring, summer and fall, four seasons, four loves-_

But there is a crash.

He hears it, he turns around and before he can process the meaning of it, he is running. Zuko? The ship? A bomb? Who?

“Zuko!”

_Zhao._

_No._

He can't lose another child.

But- He just did- Didn't he? He really left him to die, for nothing, why he didn't take Zuko with himself?

Why he didn't stay with him?

He cannot take it once again, no, he cannot. He doesn't want another grave- for nothing. A child grave in exchange of nothing, nothing, nothing! Not again... Why? He doesn’t understand. _He doesn’t believe._

He finds himself in his knees. The dark waves are just marching forth and backwashing again. Why they don't stop? If another child died in this war, why are they not stopping? How dare them? How-

A swaying, dark siluette approaches him. Iroh raises his head and the thin siluette throws himself down with coughs. He is soaking wet.

"Pirates..." comes out from his throat while coughing. "Parrot... I saw it..."

Iroh wipes his tears away and examines the boy lying down beside him, like he is not sure if he is a dream or not. “”Zuko?” he asks, not believing his presence.

A few coughs and then a quiet “Yes, uncle?” comes from the night as an answer.

Iroh eyes widen, his lips are open part way.

Then without a thought, he folds his arm around his nephew. “You are alive,” a shaky voice states the obvious.

He asks about his breathing, how he escaped, if he has any injuries. Zuko seems too confused about his concern. But he still doesn't ask about the tears.

“I would suggest going to the downtown, but there are snitches probably,” Iroh rushes, “so we will-“

“What snitches?” Zuko asks with labour. “They are just pirates.”

“Unfortunately, they were just the tongs.” Iroh answers. Zuko doesn’t understand. Iroh is not sure how to word his thoughts.

“They were just hit men of Zhao, Zuko,” says Iroh. “We should be more careful then you can imagine, my nephew. We should go aw-”

First the prince opens his mouth, surprised. Then his face hardens. But then he just shakes his head. Of course he will not let it go, of course he still believes in his father is capable of love.

Iroh insists. Zuko roars. Iroh accepts.

-

_Truly devastated._ As Zhao calls himself, after the death of the Fire Nation Prince. But he doesn't even hide the joy in his voice.

"I know whose job it is," says Iroh and Zhao's face stiffens. Iroh sees that, just as how he sees his lips curling into a smirk with the next words: "Pirates did!"

Iroh furrows his brows as they raise they cups, to the Fire Nation.

Ironic thing, Iroh knows he is the only one in this room who cares about their nation. The other one is a little man, but is desperately seeking for "glory" and wants his name on history books, definitely with bigger letters than his character ever is.

But Iroh knows something very important, he learned it the hard way. _The hardest way._

The thing is, history has a very twisted sense of humour. And there is a very thin line between big shiny letters of name's of admirals and the little wall of texts of martyrs names. Always as a footnote. History is not kind. Historians don't really care about the long, very long lists of names.

Iroh knows it very well and this man is messing with something too much bigger, more complex and older thing than him.

"I know you are scared of the spirits," Zhao ridicules him.

No, Iroh is not supersititious. They are not talking about cheap stories you can listen at every tavern or dock.

“We all know the little story of your journey to the spirit world.”

Iroh doesn't say anything, but he realizes his every step was heard and ridiculed by others. And there is a weird happiness in that. Who ridicules you tells so much about your character.

He turns back to the ship, to look after Zuko.

"You don't have to do this uncle." he says, still surprised by his acts. How stupid this boy is, thinks Iroh. No way, his nephew will infiltrate a ship without his help, no way. He has bruises all over his face and it makes Iroh's heart ache just to look at it. But at least he is alive, he reminds himself. _He is alive and well._

And yet again, he dangers himself. _Stupid boy, we could always leave everything behind,_ thinks Iroh _._ _But Ozai's approval means so much to you, doesn't it? Why?_ He can’t blame him. Still hurts though.

"I see you as my own." he says, and Zuko seems like he is determined to stay alive for the first time. Maybe not the sake of himself but his uncle's. He bows, but Iroh hugs him. He doesn't want to lose another child.

He gets lost at cold waters. Iroh feels how bitter the air is, he tries not to think about how bitter the water is right now.

-

Iroh approaches the oasis, this familiar place once again. How many hours he sat there, lonely, searching for his son? How many times he cried there?

The answers to those questions are _a lot_. He sat there for so many hours. Cried there many hours, while fishes were completing their infinite circle again and again.

But interesting for a Fire National, he never thought of hurting any of the koi fishes.

He remembers being surprised at their fragile look. Why would any mighty spirit choose such a weak appearance, he asked himself, _maybe they are not that mighty?_ And doesn't weak deserve to be cut off, according to his nation's teachings? Disgusting, imitation teachings.

Of course not. The answer was so clear. No.

The Avatar is right. And Iroh feels stressed at the look of three little children versus an admiral and his "elite" troops.

And the comeback is "traitor", as always. _Traitor._

"Fire Nation needs the moon too, Zhao."

He is no traitor. He has the best interest in his heart for his nation, even when it interferes with his brother's sick benefits.

"Whatever you do to that spirit, I will unleash on you tenfold!"

He can and if it is necessary, he will.

Zhao seems to give up. At first.

Idiot.

Iroh indeed does something treasonous. Then he kneels for the innocent fish. A big, terrible burn on his back, smell of burnt but shiny scales.

Young boy’s eyes glow. The girl takes a step but Iroh stops him, they have to trust the Avatar's wisdom.

Okay, he didn't expect the Avatar's wisdom to be this violent. But perhaps if they are stupid enough to aim their weapons at a giant spirit who can clearly crush them, they deserve it.

-

Of course, young lovers.

The boy tears up. Iroh puts his hand on his shoulder. "It was her choice," he says, swallowing, "and the best way to remember her is to respect it."

He leaves and goes for finding his nephew. If it wouldn't raise too much questions, he would consider talking to Pakku.

He finds his nephew hiding under the city walls. He is shaking, nearly invisible, but Iroh sees it.

Iroh finds a small boat, if it can be called a boat. It is more of a few wooden beams.

His nephew is oddly silent; his rage seems to cool off. Cold does that to person, Iroh knows it. Iroh knows if Avatar and his friends wasn’t there, his nephew would be dead. Foolish. Trying to kidnap the Avatar in the North Pole, in the middle of a blizzard? Nearly as foolish as trying to enter Fire Nation waters and believing his father would understand.

-

"He didn't take my hand." Zuko says, looking at the sky.

Iroh doesn't know what he means. He waits, while trying to remember and old way of knot, but Zuko's face moves with the memory of a bad incident and he doesn't continue.

"Who didn't take your hand?" he says, tangling the rope in his hand. No, it doesn’t look right. Maybe the rope was turning from left?

"Zhao. We fought there- but... the giant blue thing swallowed him."

Zuko turns his back to the side. "Maybe it was the honourable thing to do." he mutters.

Ah, his nephew and his twisted perception of honour. He lets the rope.

"No, it seems like a very foolish thing to do. And after everything he tried to do, I don't think he was an honourable man." he spits. He regrets it just a little, maybe it is too much for Zuko. He still doesn't see the idiocy of his own people, after all.

Zuko is looking at his hand, nearly with a disgust and wonder . “Was he right?” he asks and Iroh hates it.

Iroh wants to say that he is not a failure or a traitor, he wants to say he is honourable than most of men he has seen. He wants to say Zhao is less valuable than his nail.

“Of course he was wrong!” he exclaims, hoping Zuko believes him. “Unfortunately I think the same thing of him, when it came to his wit, as his honour. There is a lack of those.”

Iroh doesn't know which day of theirs it is, on the ocean.

“I know you are not Lu Ten.” He says slowly, out of nowhere. Keeping the train of his thoughts, it is not out of nowhere, but Zuko flinches with the words. Iroh just wanted to make it sure. Clear and loud. He is not a replacement.

Then he changes the subject, not being able to bear his nephew’s held breath.

“I am pretty sure we will reach to an island, my nephew.” he says, he still remembers the map clearly despite his old mind, there is a Fire National territory in the Earth Kingdom’s lands. Zuko nods slowly and reaches to the seawater just to be busy with something, turning his back to his uncle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one book down, two to go


	16. he was wrong

Azula tries to kill her brother. 

Iroh holds her hand and shifts the aim of the lighting quickly, but it was too close. His family amazes him every passing day. Iroh is tired of this cruelness. 

The prisoners? 

For what? For searching the Avatar for three years? Do everything right and there is still no way of reaching Ozai's favour. Iroh wishes Zuko understood that as much as him.

He was happy there, he was collecting fragile, tiny shells from seashore, walking in the beach, finally sleeping well. The sun, the weather, and the views, everything was perfect for him and his nephew.

And he knew, his brother never regretted any kind of thing.

They run away. Their topknots leave them slowly on the water.

-

The kind girl confuses him. Every kindness confuses him. Zuko just doesn’t understand kindness or optimism.

Iroh wishes his nephew could show what he didn’t understand.

-

They are hungry, but his nephew takes care of it. Iroh doesn’t like it but doesn’t say anything.

He sees despair in his nephews eyes. He knows that feeling, it is dangerous.

They separate. Maybe they weren’t together after all. He doesn’t know how to reach.

Little blind girl is right. Iroh worried about her, but she seemed pretty good on her own. And she gave him a very good advice without realizing it. He needed to be clearer with his feeling to the boy.

-

Iroh turns to the little children beside him. Azula is going to aim at someone for her escape, but whom exactly?

Avatar. Young. But Iroh could saw his raw talent and power from even this distance. He could easily defend or, better, run away from it. Airbenders were so flexible, Iroh is happy they are not fully extirpated.

Waterbender girl and her brother. At least they were older than the Avatar. Iroh saw them, they were good at fighting. Girl was clearly improving and Iroh assumed boy was the mind of the team. Iroh saw the same determination on their eyes just as Pakku’s.

Earthbender girl. How old she was? He appreciated her ability and bending, but her age was... Too little, for Iroh to approve fighting with a crazy lighting bender.

His nephew was right beside him, he was safe, Iroh could easily protect him. So his eyes flickered between the young children, and locked on the earth girl.

He was wrong. But his mistake bring his nephew back to him.

-

Iroh considered himself as a patient man. But sometimes he wants to scream at his nephew. 

Not when his nephew does something wrong, or acts rude.

He needs to scream at his face only when he underestimates his uncle’s care or love.

Of course he is not going to shoot lighting at his nephew! Not even for educational purposes. This is the difference! His brother would burn him for solely individual benefits and he couldn’t lay a hand on him, not even to teach him something.

But the boy doesn’t understands, he never understands, and goes to find his own lighting. Iroh wishes he could stop him, but his heart aches, from sadness, form Azula’s lighting? He doesn’t know. Maybe they are the same thing. He struggles to save two children. One is already crazy and needs to be stopped, the other is searching for his own lighting.

-

“Too bad you don’t have any old friends that don’t want to attack you.”

Ah, friends. Especially the ones who do not despise him.

He misses White Lotus. He really does. He is an old man now, he wants this war to end and he wants to drink tea and he wants to play Pai Sho everyday and...

And he wants to stop needing to worry about the boy’s safety.

They can’t keep it that way. At least not for long. They need a new life. And perhaps his friends can help them with that.

-

Smiles, kind words, decency and a deep respect. Some things Iroh haven't seen for awhile. Fung is surprisingly respectful to him.

They drink tea. They play Pai Sho. The man talks about the region and the members around. Iroh haven't heard anything about the White Lotus for a while. He was too busy keeping himself and his nephew alive. They don't have much, here. But it turns out it is definitely better than five years ago.

He has a son. Iroh feels a weird sorrow while looking at him. He is young, maybe at Zuko's age. He looks genuinely happy to be there, beside his father, in front of the Grand Lotus. He wants to help the world, his eyes shine while Iroh and his father talk about their plans.

The plans.

Little victories. Little struggles with local forces. Which is enough, but still worries Iroh.

The man whines about Fire Nation companies badgering them all the time. Meaningless acts of violence, timeless incursions to houses, and incomprehensible searches- for what? Treacherous documents, apparently.

Iroh listens carefully the oppression. The best way to help yourself is to help someone else.

If he had his old position, he would be able to do more, but right now, he is just a homeless man. Still, he tries to help, how to hide things -"Look," says Iroh while putting some papers on the table. "It doesn't look suspicious because it is too obvious! They wouldn't even attempt to read them."-, how to convey letters, how to cipher them -“I suppose young Satoshi can easily catch up the logic of the system,” he says and Satoshi smiles.-, how to treat an idiot but angry and an especially dangerous soldier.

He writes fake permissions. He is not sure if they are accurate; the last time he wrote these kind of paperwork was years ago. However, they are better than nothing. These things can help this son and father to sell their flowers peacefully or not to get beaten up unnecessarily.

Finally, man asks about what he has been doing. Iroh tells him, without the family drama, without the terrible condition his nephew is in, without the heart breaking details. They need to hide and they need to be safe.

"I guess the only place someone to walk with an elephant-rat on his head and not get a weird look is Ba Sing Se." says Fung.

"Shall I go to Shua?" his son asks to his father immediately. The father approves with a nod asks for his and Zuko's undercover names. The son stands up.

"We have a man," Zeng explains. "He- he helps people. He is excellent at imitating identity documents."

The man’s fingers non-shiveringly slide on thick, quality paper using a brush; surprising, because he is not very young. He writes their new names and imitates the stamp of Earth Kingdom.

They are refugees now.

“Were they really the crown princes of the Fire Nation?” Satoshi asks to his father.

“No,” his father says, it is not a lie, they lost their right to throne long ago. 

“They are Mushi and Lee. Poor reffos.”

-

This is nothing less than what Iroh expected.

All the crowd around them: hungry, sad, dishelleved, servile. And Iroh wonders what difference they have, of course, if they have any.

The city is not surprising to him with all the pain but also it opens a deep scar, sometimes. Looking from distance, it hasn’t changed much, and Iroh remembers observing the outlines of the city for hours. With rage, with passion. But by the time, his son was beside him.

On the other hand, his nephew seems so surprised. And irritated. All the people make him angry, somehow. Maybe disgusted. Fretful, a little bit.

“What is wrong, my nephew?”

Zuko doesn’t answers. At least, not fast. 

“It is- different from what I expected.” he says, while trying not to look at the miserable family, sitting in the corner, baby crying, mother so tired. 

Iroh realizes. His nephew didn’t expect this much pain. Other nations should have been evil, right? They are not supposed to cry on a corner, they should plot against the Fire Nation!

“I have seen a village, when- when we were separate but-” Zuko swallows. It is bad. Why is it like that uncle? Why the world is like that? Books at home didn’t tell me that- that- they are so sad. They are hungry. I thought only disgraced princes were sad and hungry.  
Iroh nods with understanding. He is not sure what to say, but he should stop underestimating the propaganda in his nephew’s brain.

-  
For a second, he worries for Zuko, but in seconds, his nephew takes an officer’s swords and swings them to the other boy. His friend, maybe? For a second, yes, Iroh panics, but then they start watching an amazing sword match and Iroh nearly smiles. Piandao taught him well.

Minutes later his nephew rubs the dirty tea pots with rage in the washbasin and grunts about people being too complicated. Iroh holds down a laugh. He is sure it is not a very normal teenage times but it is the closest thing his nephew can have. A little fight with a peer.

“What will happen to him, uncle?” he asks with a guilty face, later. Iroh has no idea. “I guess they would hold him in custody for a few days,” he says, assuring his nephew. He tries to sound honest.

-  
He buys a hair gel just for this, his nephew sits stiffly in front of him while Iroh is working on his hair. "Am I hurting you?" asks Iroh and Zuko shakes his head, exhaling carefully. Iroh hugs his nephew and wishes him a good evening. He barely smiles and walks out the door.

He comes back and smiles. It is a triumph for Iroh.

-

At first, Iroh thinks that Dai Li did something to him. But he wasn't injured, Iroh made sure of it, it wasn't physical. It is something completely else, the weird conflict of letting go something you wanted for ages. Letting go everything you knew. Letting go the love of a father.

He knows it is not easy. Iroh never went trhough such metamorphosis, in the tent, in Ba Sing Se, he wasn't sick. He wasn't burning. He was cold, his fingers were trembling, his heart rejected to beat anymore, rejected to push the blood to his fingers. Iroh thought about fulfilling the desire of his heart for nights. And then he decided not to. He was useful and he was not going to waste this potential.

But Zuko is burning. He is burning and Iroh can't stop but think about the times where Lu Ten was sick and he waited in his bedside.

And then he wakes up. And then he looks happy. And then he is happy. Iroh couldn't want anything different.

-

He could. He could wish for it to last longer. He could wish for it to be consistent. But no. Apparently, his nephew didn't let go the love of his father. Iroh doesn't know, maybe he wasn't able to show the love of an uncle.

He is in chains but it doesn't matter. He sits in lotus position and listens the outbursts of the prince. The prince? Yes, once again. Very angry, unlike hours ago. Iroh tries not to think about the limp body of the twelve-year-old.

They transport him to the ship, he casts brief glances around, he may not see the sky for a long time. But he doesn't look to his left, so he doesn't see the prince's conflicted and painful expression. He doesn't plan to do so for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> second book is finished finally. i promise i didn't abandoned this fic.


	17. stories

They probably never talked about him. Capturing a traitor was good, of course, enough to brag about it at every chance. But if the traitor was a member of the royal family, speaking about the matter turned into a disgrace. If the traitor was someone with so many friends around the world, it was also _dangerous_.

So Iroh knows he couldn’t trust White Lotus. They didn’t even know where he was. They couldn’t know. Apparently, a cold cell under the ground… No, they would except him to be at Ba Sing Se and definitely above the ground. They would except him to be not hungry. Not taunted by soldiers every day. Not getting shouted at by his nephew all the time. But he is there. He lives through all of it.

Zuko comes. He shouts. He leaves.

Iroh decides not to look at his face for a while. He can’t.

There are bad dreams. About every child he lost. Lu Ten. Zuko. Azula. And the countless and nameless other ones.

He can’t afford sitting and decaying there anymore second. He has to do something, _anything_ -

Well. There is a plan. An impossible one, but… Also the only possible one.

-

Zuko realizes something. He doesn’t realize that he realizes. Still, it is enough to make Iroh cry while smiling.

-

He pushes down the urge to just fetch Zuko from his room and make him come with him. Palace slowly dissolving into the fogs behind him is a weirdly satisfying display.

He heads to his old friend’s mansion. But it means a few days of walk. First day, he walks with the light-headedness of freedom. Second day, he walks with the graveness of duty.

At the third day, he reaches the mansion. Mere happiness paints Piandao’s wrinkles. He eats. He showers. They sit down, beginning to plan. They are once again soldiers. World needs military intelligent and they have no other choice than giving it what it desires.

“Plan will change,” says Iroh. It has to change. Zuko is not very… willing to come a mutual understanding. Unfortunately, he is just the son of the Lord of an enemy state.

“Why?” asks Piandao. “I see no reason in that.”

Fat puts a piece of paper on the table.

It is a wanted poster who happens to have the face of the Prince. It changes things. Iroh shouldn’t be happy with the indication of many threats to Zuko’s life. But he is. He is happy that Zuko found his way. It destroys the graveness of the duty.

“Hmm,” starts Piandao. “I hope you are not very bitter over not being the Fire Lord?”

Iroh smiles with the tease. “Never, my friend.” he says. “Never.”

-

Iroh is an idiot. He finally understands the true meaning of his childhood dream.

He will conquer the Ba Sing Se. Of course. Not in the way he expected. Again, of course.

-

He meets Bumi, Jeong Jeong, Pakku. Well, he couldn’t do it without them. He wouldn’t want to. He is content to enhance tactics beside _these_ men.

They build up their tents. Air is full of tensity of war. Of battle. Of blood which about to be spilled.

Iroh sleeps like a lamb.

Yes, he swore to never come back to these tents. Yes, he swore to not step into war again.

But it is different. It is different, so different, it is nearly poetic.

It is the epic poems of Azulon. He remembers the days of being assigned books with Ozai.

They both read the same poems, yet Iroh is here, beside the Ba Sing Se, and Ozai is out there somewhere, on his palace, perhaps.

He is not courageous enough to say he is the hero. But he is proud. He is at ease. This is why he sleeps so naturally.

-

His sleep gets interrupted.

_Finally._

He is proud. Angry? No, not at all. Only anger comes from seeing Zuko this broken. But then, with a hug, everything is solved and world unfolds as father and son fold their arms.

-

“You see, your uncle has always been one of us.” Jeong Jeong says while moving his knotweed tile.

“Oh, no, not always, my friend. Not always.” Iroh mutters while stalemating Jeong Jeong with a one simple move. Jeong Jeong acknowledges his sharp-witted move and nods with respect.

“Long before enough to consider always,” says Jeong Jeong.

Zuko watches them with confusion, startling with his name being screamed somewhere far away.

“Zuko! Zuko! Come here!”

Ah. Once again, a moment which someone calls for Iroh’s son, while he is pondering over his next Pai Sho move.

“Uncle? Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes, perfectly,” says Iroh, wiping his tears and smiling, watching the water tribe boy enter the tent. “Perfectly fine.”

“Sokka, please don’t say Bumi and Toph is once again trying to decide who is the better bender.” Zuko turns to the entrance, grimacing as waiting for catastrophe news.

“No, but I was thinking the same for us! Go fetch your sword!” Sokka catches Zuko from the arm. They both smile as Sokka pulls Zuko, Iroh and Jeong Jeong watch their little row.

“You are not a bender-”

“Sword bending match. Now. Oh, are you scared?”

“No but if you are going to cheat-”

“Me? Cheating? Never. Show us your talents, boy!”

They chuckle and they leave. Zuko is happy. Iroh is happy. Of course he is.

-

“It is symbolic.” Iroh says, now he is able to breathe, but he wasn’t just seconds before. Azula shot lighting at Zuko. Once again. It is the third time ever a family member does such thing.

But he is okay, Iroh reminds himself. He just needs to sleep. “For new Fire Lord to take the lighting. Though I never wanted children to fight such cruel battles.”

Katara nods solemnly, and Iroh thanks again. “Thank you for saving my nephew’s life. And for tolerating him through his… adolescence journey.”

They both laugh, and then a panicked Avatar approaches them. Not an everyday sight.

“Salutations, hot-man!” he says, “You are Zuko’s uncle! You must be the new Fire Lord!”

Iroh stares, a bit rudely, and blinks, and he thinks, _it is so interesting that everyone expects me to be the Fire Lord except me._

Katara successfully fills the awkward silence with her exclamation and hug. “He is not the Fire Lord,” she starts.

“I imagine Zuko will be a good Fire Lord,” Iroh says. “Not that standards are very high, though.”

Aang’s eyes shine with understanding.

“But where is he?” he asks with curiosity.

It is a long story. But young Avatar’s doesn’t seem to be any shorter.

After a hundred-year war… There is little to do other than telling stories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> iroh: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time someone thinks i am the firelord/i want to be the firelord I'd have A Lot Of nickels
> 
> "someone calling for his son while he is playing pai sho" thing is from the earliest chapters
> 
> aaaand finally... we are done. thank you for being patient.   
> as always, your ideas matter. thank you for reading!


End file.
